"Fox & Rat" Virtual Series - Season Ten

10x02 "Doppeldate"Title: "Doppeldate"
Series: FRVS - Episode #194
Written by: Kristi
Feedback: foxandratvs@gmail.com
Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series only!
Air Date: 12 September 2009
Rating: PG-13

Date Written: 8-9 August; 3 September 2009
Revised Date:

Spoilers: None, we try to create our own stuff... but remember sometimes we have to refer to happenings in the actual show "The X-Files".

Disclaimer: "The X-Files" and its characters belong to 20th Century FOX Broadcasting. If you recognize it, it's not our own creation. Original characters belong to Cassie and Kristi (FRVS).

Author's Note: Sometimes the actions of these characters are cartoonish in nature. If you actually think that following their horrible example is a good thing to do, we are not responsible for your lack of common sense. The personalities of the characters within the world of "Fox & Rat" are not those you know from "The X-Files" television series. We have warped them and given them a common past, immature behavior and a sense of humor.

Summary: It is Krycek's birthday and he fears turning another year older. Just when you think that will be high enough drama for the gang on board the Pequod, another surprise awaits him...


FADE IN:

JANUARY 28, 2012
ALEX KRYCEK’S 43RD BIRTHDAY

INT. KNOWLE & MONICA’S BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING

Gray morning light seeps through a tiny crack in the curtains as Knowle and Monica sleep soundly, his arm wrapped around her as they sleep. The sound is still except for the quiet ticking of a clock on Knowle’s nightstand.

The room is simple with just a bed, dresser and two nightstands that have been hand made of wood and have been stained to be dark. A painting of Grandmama Reyes’s home hangs on the wall for decoration.

A loud pounding noise breaks the tranquil silence and sleep. Knowle’s eyes open, wondering who the heck would be pounding on their door at this hour in the morning.

He quietly gets out of bed, making sure not to wake Monica, though it is a wonder she can sleep through all the noise.

He walks through their living room, passing the couch, the coffee table, the television set, and heads towards the main door to their quarters where the source of the loud pounding is coming from.

He opens the door to find Alex Krycek, and he looks like a huge mess! His hair is uncombed, his eyes have dark circles and he is in a panic.

KNOWLE
(tired/leaning on door frame)
Do you have any idea what time it is?

KRYCEK
(dramatic)
I need Monica quickly! Now!

He starts to barge his way through the door, but Knowle stops him with his hand.

KNOWLE
Why?

KRYCEK
I just need her! I’m out
of my lotions that make
me young and beautiful!

He tries to get into their quarters, but Knowle continues to block him.

KNOWLE
It’s not even five in the morning, Alex.
Can’t this wait until later. (beat) Despite
what you think, she’s not your personal
beauty consultant. She’s a schoolteacher.

KRYCEK
You don’t understand! I’m hideous and
she’s the only person on this boat who
makes what I need! Look at me!

Krycek stands back so Knowle can have a look at him.

KNOWLE
I see you look like crap. Ever
think it’s because you’re never
up before ten a.m. and here you
are pounding on our door before five?
(beat) Did I mention it’s not even five?

KRYCEK
Can we talk seriously?

He ducks under Knowle’s blocking arm and enters their quarters. He goes into their kitchen, opens their refrigerator and takes out a plate of left over food. He sits at their kitchen table and starts to eat. Knowle enters and sits down with a quiet sigh as Krycek begins to stuff his mouth.

KNOWLE
(sarcastic)
How about helping yourself to our food?

KRYCEK
(not getting his sarcasm)
Thanks, I am though.

Knowle rolls his eyes.

KNOWLE
So what’s up, or did you just
come here to eat all of our food?

KRYCEK
Here’s a little secret that
you have to keep between me and you.

He leans towards Knowle who continues to lean back in his chair. Krycek waves him closer to him. Unamused, Knowle leans in.

KNOWLE
What?

KRYCEK
Today is my birthday.

KNOWLE
Happy birthday.

KRYCEK
Don’t say it!

Krycek pulls back offended. Knowle leans back and rolls his eyes.

KNOWLE
(just wanting to sleep)
What do you want Alex? If you
don’t want me to wish you a happy b-

Krycek’s eyes bug and he gives him a warning not to say it.

KNOWLE
(irritated)
What? What do you want?

KRYCEK
I’m forty-two years into my life today,
and I feel so old! I need Monica to help
me before anyone catches on that I’m
a year older! They will all make fun of me!

KNOWLE
(deadpan; unamused)
I promise you, they won’t.

KRYCEK
You don’t know them like I know them!
They don’t even know when my birthday
is because I’ve never told them!

KNOWLE
I doubt that, but whatever.

KRYCEK
Can you please wake your wife so
she can help me? I’m all out of my
beauty supplies and it shows. I can’t
let my friends see me old and ugly.

Knowle rolls his eyes again.

KNOWLE
You are so vain. I think I liked
you a lot better when you had
amnesia. (beat) What happened to you?

KRYCEK
Marita. Whenever I’m around her I just
have to look as perfect as she is. It’s
always been that way ever since I was following
my friends around during their high school
days and I fell in love with her. She is
so pretty and so beautiful and made of
perfect rays of sunshine that I just can’t
live up to. And I have to because if
she is ever to be seen with a man who is
old and ugly like what’s happening to me,
well... no one would worship her like they do.

Knowle stares blankly at him trying to understand what he’s talking about. Is he saying that he believes people worship Marita?

KNOWLE
I don’t understand what you just said, but
I’m way too tired to be dealing with this
right now. So I’m going to get Monica for you.
She’ll hate me for it, but I think she’ll
understand why I did it.

KRYCEK
(relieved)
Oh thank you so much Knowle. You
are just the bestest in the world
for doing this for me. It makes
me want to kiss you!

Krycek stands up, puckers his lips and moves in towards Knowle. Knowle quickly gets out of his chair and moves away from him.

KNOWLE
You kiss me and I’ll throw you
out of my home and let the world
see how old and ugly you are.

Krycek loses his pucker and pouts.

KRYCEK
Fine.

Knowle leaves the kitchen to wake Monica up and Krycek sits back down at the table, and takes a banana from their bowl of fruit. He starts to eat it.

CUT TO:

INT. LIBRARY – LATER THAT MORNING

The library is small and in desperate need of expansion as books are stacked to the ceiling, stacked on tables, and the shelves are so full some books have to be stacked on the floor.

Tucked away in a small corner of the library and out of sight of anyone passing by, is Fox Mulder. He is kissing a woman looking exactly like Marita Covarrubias, but he still abides by Rule #1 and is kissing her twin sister, Maria Lin Covarrubias. Maria pulls away from Mulder to catch her breath. She blushes as she smiles at him. Who knew the man would be such an amazing kisser?

MARIA
Fox we can’t keep sneaking
around like this. We should
just come out and announce
that we are together.

MULDER
(in a more manly voice)
I want to, I do, but I worry
about how Alex will react.

Maria nods her head in agreement.

MARIA
He certainly would flip, wouldn’t he?
Especially when we tell him how long
we’ve been together. I can imagine he
would feel two years betrayed!

She giggles a bit.

MARIA
It’s no wonder he’s with my sister.
She overreacts just as much as he does.
(beat) And their vanity is pretty much equal.

MULDER
They’re a match made in chaos.

Maria smiles at him and leans into him.

MARIA
(lovey-dovey)
And we’re a match made in heaven.

They kiss again, and quickly stop as they hear a commotion from the front of the library.

MARIA
(whispers)
Work calls. Stay here Pookie.

She kisses him on the cheek and goes to the front of the library to see Dana Scully.

MARIA
(chipper)
Good morning Dr. Scully. Need
help finding something?

SCULLY
Yes actually. Knowle told me that
there is a book here on the Hanta
virus. I was wondering where it was.

MARIA
I often wonder why he doesn’t work
in the library. He’s read all the
books you know. (beat) But yes, I do
believe we have a couple books on
the subject. It’s in the (shouts back
at the corner Mulder is in) MEDICAL
RESEARCH AND REFERENCE SECTION!

Scully looks at her strangely. Why in the world is she yelling? She shrugs it off as just being a wee bit crazy like her mother and her sister. After all, Maria did decide to live her life as a homeless bum on the streets and gave up all her money because she saw how it poisoned the minds of those in her family. And the insane gene is strong in the Covarrubias blood. Marita was flippy. Their mother believed at one time that John was a man she knew named “Frank”, who went missing during the war of 1684.

Maria slowly leads Scully back to the Medical Research And Reference Section of the library. She takes a quiet breath as she rounds the corner where she and Mulder were just making out. He’s not there. She looks a bit confused on how he was able to move so quietly and swiftly from this small corner. She shrugs it off as just another case of Mulder Luck.

MARIA
Let’s see... the Hanta Virus...

She searches the shelves and pulls out a few books on the virus.

MARIA
Here you are.

She hands the books to Scully who looks through them briefly.

MARIA
Do you mind if I ask...

Scully looks up at her.

MARIA
Does this have something to do
with Walter Skinner?

SCULLY
It may help understand the progression
of the virus. It won’t tell us exactly
what we need, but learning how other
viruses work will help.

MARIA
How is he doing?

SCULLY
Honestly, it’s not looking good for him.
He hasn’t reached the violent stage, but
he’s heading there. His thoughts are more
and more confused and jumbled. The virus
has started to work it’s way into the brain.
The progression is slower than I anticipated,
which is good, but...

MARIA
I’m so sorry to hear that. (beat) Well,
at any rate, the library is open to
you at all times Dr. Scully. You are
a genuine heart of gold.

She smiles and hugs her. Scully is a little taken back by her reaction, but just accepts that this is how Maria is. Marita was a flippy kind of crazy that would throw stereo equipment, knifes and toasters at you. And Maria must be the overly chipper crazy one.

SCULLY
(not sure what to say)
Uh... thank you. (beat) I really
should be going back to the lab.

Maria releases her hug on her.

MARIA
Right. I’m sorry if I’ve held
you up. Your work is so important.

SCULLY
(uncomfortable)
All right then. Um. Thank you
for the books.

She quickly turns and leaves before any more weirdness comes out of her. Maria watches her leave, and when the coast is clear...

MARIA
Fox? Where are you?

She looks around.

MULDER (O.S.)
I’m up here.

Maria looks up to the top of the bookshelf she and Scully were in front of to find Mulder, laying on the very top in a fetal position.

MARIA
(shocked)
My goodness, how did you get
up their so quietly? And how
did you not knock anything out of place?

Mulder carefully makes his way down.

MULDER
Years of practice.

MARIA
(smiling)
Oh Fox... you can be so Spooky sometimes.

She kisses him again.

MULDER
Well, I should probably get going.
The Post Office needs me.

MARIA
Shall I see you tonight?

MULDER
Well, it’s Krycek’s birthday, though
don’t let on that you know – he’ll freak.
I usually take him out for dinner, pay for
everything and he never asks why because I
think he secretly knows it’s how I celebrate
his becoming a year older.

MARIA
That is so sweet. (beat) Say,
wouldn’t it be swell if we both
took him out? Maybe we could come
out and tell him we are together.
(beat) We could have my sister there
to control him and assure him that
you aren’t dating her. You know how
confused he gets when Marita and I
are together.

MULDER
That’s a great idea. It’ll
be a double date!

MARIA
Or a doppeldate!

They both smiles at this idea and with a chipper walk, Mulder leaves the library to begin his duty’s as the ship’s Postman.

CUT TO:

INT. POST OFFICE – AFTERNOON

The post office is small and Mulder cheerfully works to sort the day’s mail. Though there is little mail that comes through, he takes pride in his job that he’s had for five years. He works in the small space, whistling a happy tune with no name as Krycek comes up to the service counter, and he looks much better after bothering Knowle and Monica this morning about his beauty... even if he is wearing a gray jumpsuit.

KRYCEK
Hey Mulder.

MULDER
Hey buddy!

He sets down his small stack of envelopes and goes over to talk to him.

MULDER
Got this week’s love letter to Marita?

KRYCEK
Sure to. So strap on those
roller blades and haul ass
because I want same day delivery.

MULDER
Will do!

He takes the pastel pink envelope scattered with heart stickers from Krycek and sets it aside with other letters in a mail carrier bag.

KRYCEK
Thanks man. I’ll see ya later.

Krycek starts to walk away.

MULDER
Hold up!

KRYCEK
Yeah?

MULDER
Let’s go out to dinner tonight.
You can bring Marita.

Krycek smiles. What a great way to spend the day! A dinner date with Marita with Mulder as a tag along!

KRYCEK
Hey that sounds awesome!

MULDER
(deep breath)
I’ll be bringing someone too.

KRYCEK
Who?

Mulder smiles and waves him over to tell a secret. Excitedly, Krycek skips over and leans in.

MULDER
(whispers)
I’ve got a girlfriend.

KRYCEK
(excited)
Oh my god! No way!

MULDER
(quietly)
Shh! Keep your voice down.

KRYCEK
Sorry.

He leans in more as a random person walks by and drops an envelope in the slot for outgoing mail. Mulder nods and smiles and the person walks on.

KRYCEK
So tell me about her.

MULDER
Oh Alex, she is so beautiful and
funny and happy. I love her so much.

KRYCEK
Love? Dude... you’re getting
all serious on me.

MULDER
I am serious. You know the way
you love Marita?

KRYCEK
(excited)
Yeah.

MULDER
Well, it’s nothing like that.
It’s not creepy and crazy at all.

Krycek loses his smile for a moment upon hearing that his love for Marita is kind of creepy and crazy. He shakes it off, now is not the time to be thinking of himself. His bestest buddy is in love!

KRYCEK
So what’s her name? What does she
look like? And how long have you
you been with her? Have you shagged her?

MULDER
(offended)
Heavens no! We’re traditional. I
haven’t taken her to bed! (beat;
devious and sly) Yet...

Krycek bobs his head in giddy, pervy excitement.

MULDER
Her name is Maria and her hair
is as golden as the sunshine.
Her lips like the red, red rose.
And her eyes... Oh my goodness man,
I can fall into them every moment
I’m with her. (beat) And her kiss...

Mulder and Krycek both sigh with content.

KRYCEK
Ah... to be in love...

MULDER
To be alive and in love...

Mulder stats to hum the Dean Martin song “Good Morning Life”.

KRYCEK
(singing)
Good morning life. Good morning
sun how are you skies above?
Isn’t it great to be alive and in love...

They both laugh with happiness.

KRYCEK
Well I better get to work before
the Captain finds out I’m not
working again. It’s amazing how often
I have to clean the heads in this joint!

MULDER
I still can’t believe you volunteered
to be on the janitorial staff.

KRYCEK
It’s my homage to our former janitor
at the FBI, of whom I only knew him
as Janitor.

MULDER
Didn’t he shave your eyebrow off
and mop you with dirty water?

KRYCEK
By homage, I simply mean I was
mimicking his work ethic.

Mulder nods... of course Krycek never liked the Janitor, but he did admire how little the man worked.

MULDER
Right. Don’t work too hard.

KRYCEK
(walking off)
I never do!

Mulder smiles with happiness and starts to hum “Good Morning Life” again as he continues his work.

TIME CUT TO:

INT. MARITA’S QUARTERS – THAT EVENING

Pink is the best way to describe Marita’s living quarters. The walls are painted a pastel pink, with pictures of a white kitty cat framed with white frames. Her couch is white, she has no television set, and it is overly neat. Nothing is out of place.

Krycek sits on her couch wearing a nice suit, he holds a white teddy bear in his hands. He checks his watch. A white kitten brushes up against Krycek’s leg and meows. He smiles down at the kitty.

KRYCEK
I can’t believe he has a
girlfriend, Marita. I mean
after all those years, the
mourning he went through after
losing Kim and his sister... I
never thought this would happen to him.

Marita comes out of her bedroom dressed in a little black dress. She puts her pearl earrings in.

MARITA
I’m happy for him. I’ve always
wanted him to find love. I can’t
wait to meet her. What is her name?

KRYCEK
Maria. And he says she’s so beautiful
with hair as gold as sunshine and lips
as red as the red rose.

Marita stops moving and looks at him. Mulder is dating a woman named Maria who has just been described in a way that Krycek usually describes herself. Her eyes bug. Holy heck, what if Mulder is dating her twin sister?! Alex will freak! He’ll do worse than freak! He’ll... oh man alive, he’ll do something so terrible she can’t even bring herself to think of what that might be!

Krycek looks over at her, and she quickly loses her shocked expression and smiles at him.

KRYCEK
Well don’t you look as beautiful
as the tides at sunset.

Marita blushes a bit. He can be so sweet sometimes when he’s not thinking of only himself and his good looks. He places the teddy bear back where he found it on the couch and stands, moving over to her.

MARITA
And you, sir, are quite handsome yourself.

KRYCEK
I know.

He smiles slyly at her and kisses her on the cheek.

MARITA
Before we go, I need to go
ask Dana about some tranquilizers.

KRYCEK
Snuffles, we don’t have time.
We’re running late as it is.

MARITA
But Snuggums, I really think
it’s important that I talk to-

KRYCEK
You can ask her about the
tranquilizers later.

He wraps his arm around her and escorts her out of her quarters. She watches him with worry. Without the tranquilizers there will be no stopping his wrath if her conclusion is correct and Mulder is indeed dating her sister.

Oh lord, this will be breaking Rule #1 in Krycek’s eyes. Even though the rule states “you don’t touch Marita”, this will be a serious – perhaps fatal – violation of the rule.

She walks with him, hoping this is just an irrational fear she has about him. Surely he must have grown up some over the past few years. After all, he is forty-three years old today, isn’t it about time he grows up and acts his age?

CUT TO:

INT. KNOWLE’S CAFE

Knowle and John stand on step ladders at opposite ends of the bar, hanging a hand-painted banner that reads “Happy 43rd Birthday, Krycek!”. The banner has been decorated with children’s handprints, flowers, bugs, and other random children artwork. Monica stands in the middle of the café instructing them to either rise it a bit more or lower one side.

Scully and her brother, Charles, have pushed a few tables together to form one large table in the center. They set the table together, just as they would have when they were kids. Scully sets the plates. Charles places the silverware wrapped in napkins. Katie places the party hats in the center of each plate. Captain Scully places the drinking glasses.

Mulder and Maria walk in with their birthday presents for Krycek.

MULDER
Hey guys!

KATIE
Hi Uncle Mulder!

MARIA
Marita is bringing Alex as
we speak so they should be here soon.

They go over to another table and set their presents down with all the others.

Robert Comer and Alexandra McCord walk in next, holding hands.

COMER
We’re not late are we?

SCULLY
They’re not here yet.

CHARLES
Hey, are you going to get in on
the pool about whether or no he’ll
freak out about getting old?

COMER
Sure.

CHARLES
Great!

Charles ditches setting the table, handing the silverware to Mulder. Mulder shrugs and helps.

MONICA
How about we keep the “getting
old” jokes to a minimum. He was
already knocking at our door this
morning with an “old crisis”. I
really don’t want to do that again
later tonight or in the morning.

Scully smiles at her.

SCULLY
I have to say – and this will probably
sound very mean – but I’m glad he’s
starting to pester someone else about
his vanity. He used to do that to
me all the time.

MULDER
Maybe he still has that man crush on Knowle.

Knowle gives him a look. He had no idea that Krycek used to have a “man crush” on him.

MULDER
(re: Knowle’s expression)
Oh please. Don’t you remember when he
drew that goatee on his face after you
grew one. And when he dressed as a Marine,
wearing the same t-shirt you had?

Knowle wrinkles his face, he remembers now. That happened right before he was called to duty before the aliens colonized.

KNOWLE
Now I remember...

COMER
You know... I don’t get it.

Everyone looks to him.

COMER
Before we met up with all of you
he seemed pretty normal. After that...
he just became this... weird...

He searches for the word, but can’t manage to put his thumb on it.

SCULLY
Quasi-homosexual?

Charles laughs.

COMER
(confused)
Yeah, but he’s dating Marita...

CHARLES
Hence the word “quasi”.

KATIE
Daddy? What’s a homosexual?

Doggett gives Scully a look.

SCULLY
(laughing)
Your Uncle Alex.

KATIE
Oh, ok.

Doggett gives Scully another look and goes over to her and speaks in a quiet hush, not content and not that happy with her answer.

DOGGETT
Dana, it’s not nice to go
and say that Alex is... gay.
He’s dating Marita, not Mulder.
Maybe we should find a good way
to explain these jokes to Katie.

SCULLY
I know, I know, but Alex is
an easy target. Did you hear
what Monica had to deal with
this morning? He needed soothing
and skin softening lotions and
a facial. It’s hard to not make
these jokes.

DOGGETT
I just think we should encourage
Katie to not behave like all the
adults. Alex adores her-

SCULLY
- And he’s really good at
braiding her hair.

DOGGETT
Dana. (beat) I just think that
our daughter shouldn’t talk
about people like this. In fact,
I don’t think that any of us should
be making wise-cracks about his
sexuality when he’s not a homosexual.

Just as he says this Alex and Marita enter the restaurant, unnoticed because everyone is eavesdropping on John and Dana’s conversation the best they can. Everyone except Knowle, who coughs loudly and obviously to get everyone’s attention on Alex.

KNOWLE
(covering his words with a cough)
Guys, he’s here!

Everyone turns to see Alex, dressed up nicely for his “double date” with Mulder and Maria. Despite being his birthday, he can’t help but smile that everyone is here, even if he believes the sign is saying the wrong age he’s turning.

EVERYONE
(shouting)
SURPRISE! Happy Birthday!

Krycek lets go of Marita’s hand and wanders about as everyone claps for him. A look of “oh chucks, gee golly” is on his face.

KRYCEK
(surprised)
Oh my god! You guys are the best!
I’m so glad to see everyone here.
Oh my! You guys really love me.

He hugs everyone in the room, and the last person he gets to is Katie. He picks her up and hugs her.

KATIE
(excited about his birthday)
Uncle Alex! Mommy says you’re a homosexual!

She smiles at him and he grits his teeth, carefully sets her down and turns to face Scully. He frowns at her, wanting to say so many fowl words at her.

SCULLY
(guilty)
I was about to explain an adult
joke to her, Sasha... I’m sorry.

KRYCEK
(through gritted teeth)
Tell her then.

SCULLY
(turning to Katie)
Katie, honey... When mommy said that
Uncle Alex was a homosexual, she was
just joking. You see, that is an adult
joke that you’ll get when you’re older.

KATIE
(no clue about anything)
Ok mommy.

Satisfied with Scully’s cover up for her joke, he turns to face Mulder.

KRYCEK
(happy)
You set this up, didn’t you? This
is our “double date” isn’t it?

MULDER
Actually I found out about it
after I made those plans, but
my girlfriend is here and you
can meet her and maybe we can
have a double date – just the
four of us – another time.

KRYCEK
So who planned this?

CHARLES
I did.

Krycek turns to him in shock. He had no idea Charles knew his birthday. In fact, he had no idea anyone knew his birthday (despite a few ground rules of the old apartment 42: “Rule #10 Don't you ever ever forget your friends birthday!” And “Rule #11 My birthday is January 28!”).

KRYCEK
How did you know?

CHARLES
Dana told me. Said you’d flip
out about turning forty-three.

Krycek laughs and shakes his head.

KRYCEK
No, no... you see I’m not old.
And I’m not turning forty-three.
I’m turning forty-two.

CHARLES
Uh... really?

KRYCEK
(Mr. Know-It-All)
Yes.

CHARLES
But you were born in 1969, right?

KRYCEK
Sure was.

CHARLES
Then you’re forty-three today.

KRYCEK
(getting impatient with him)
No, I’m not.

CHARLES
Yes, because you are three
years older than me, and I’ll
be turning forty this June.

Krycek freezes for a moment... he can’t be a year older than he thought he was? That’s like missing a whole year of your life!

KRYCEK
(in a panic)
Oh my god!

Marita comes over and takes hold of his hand.

MARITA
Now Sasha... I still love you. Even
if you had wrinkles and gray hair.
You are perfect how you are.

He smiles at her with a little bit of guilt. She doesn’t know how he freaked out this morning and pestered Monica for a facial, and what the others don’t know, what he made Monica promise was that he dyed his hair to cover a little gray.

KRYCEK
All right then... (chocking on his
words) I’m... forty... three today.

He forces a smile. Everyone claps to encourage him that there is nothing wrong with turning forty-three.

KNOWLE
Let’s here it for the birthday boy!

He holds up a bottle of wine and pops the cork, pouring the wine into glasses and handing them out. Once everyone has a glass they all raise them in the air and say:

EVERYONE
To Alex!

KRYCEK
(happier now)
To me!

They all cheer and have a drink.

Mulder and Maria come up to him.

MULDER
Sasha, I’d like you to meet
my girlfriend, Maria.

Krycek turns and looks at them. His eyes bug and his mouth drops. Mulder is dating Maria Covarrubias?! How can he do that? It’s a direct violation of Rule #1! She looks exactly like HIS Marita!

Mulder and Maria (and everyone else for that matter) wait for a response, but none is forthcoming... yet. His face has gone pale white with anger.

Mulder looks around, unsure what to do.

MULDER
Uh... Krycek buddy? You ok?

Krycek looks directly at him with his eyes and his faces starts to slowly regain color.

KATIE
Can we have cake yet?

SCULLY
We have to eat first, honey.

KNOWLE
I’ll get dinner served if everyone
will have a seat.

They are desperate to change the topic that was just brought up. Obviously Krycek is not handling this news about Mulder and Maria.

Everyone sits at the table. Everyone except for Krycek, who remains standing in the same spot. He doesn’t move. As everyone eats their meal – keeping an eye on him every once in a while – his face starts to turn red with anger.

MARITA
I just think this is joyous
news you guys. I mean to have
my sister be with one of my
best friends, it’s perfect.

She smiles at Mulder and her sister, who both smile back, thankful for the positive reaction from her. Mulder looks over at Krycek, sees his face turning a deeper shade of red and starts to worry.

MULDER
(quietly to Marita)
Is he going to kill me?

MARITA
I’ll stop him from doing
anything irrational. I mean
when you think about it, what
is he really upset with? It’s
not like you and I are dating.
Maria looks nothing like me.

Everyone around the table exchange looks... uh... they do look exactly the same except for what they are wearing. Even their hair is the same.

Krycek’s face has turned purple with rage. He slowly looks at Mulder, who’s holding the hand of Maria – the woman that looks exactly like his Marita Lynn! He can’t take it anymore!

In a fit of rage, he leaps across the table like a flying squirrel and topples Mulder to the ground!

Everyone stands up and Knowle makes his way over to the fight.

KRYCEK
YOU PUNK!!! YOU TRAITOR!

KNOWLE
HEY! KNOCK IT OFF!

Knowle attempts to remove Krycek from clobbering Mulder with punches, but is punched – surprisingly hard.

KRYCEK
(rage)
RULE NUMBER ONE YOU STUPID PUNK!
RULE NUMBER ONE! HOW COULD YOU!?

MARITA
(yelling)
Alex stop!

MULDER
THE RULE STATES I CAN’T TOUCH
MARITA! IT SAYS NOTHING
ABOUT DATING HER SISTER! THEY’RE
NOT EVEN THE SAME PERSON!

KRYCEK
YOU TRAITOR!!

Mulder punches Krycek off of him and both men get to their feet. They stare each other down, catching their breath.

KRYCEK
(pissed off)
Well then I think there needs
to be a rule number one and a half!

MULDER
WHAT?

KRYCEK
YEAH! It stats that Mulder cannot
date a woman that looks like MY MARITA!

MULDER
That’s stupid!

KRYCEK
SO ARE YOU!

Scully removes Katie from the restaurant because she’s in tears after seeing her Uncles Fox and Alex fight each other.

MULDER
Alex! I love her and it has nothing
to do with Marita. It is MARIA that
I’m in love with. It is MARIA that
I’m dating and you can’t tell me
that I can’t be with her because she’s
a twin. That’s stupid!

Krycek leaps at him again and the two engage in another fistfight. This time, the fight moves all around Knowle’s restaurant. People have to move out of the way, as they smash a chair, as they break a picture frame hung on the wall. They head towards the bar, and Krycek tosses Mulder over the bar, smashing the bottles and glasses behind the counter.

Knowle is already on the phone calling down for reinforcements from the brig. He hangs up, and moves in to stop their destruction of his restaurant. This time he manages to remove Krycek from beating Mulder to a pulp and gets him in a lock where he can’t even move his arms. So Krycek tries to kick at Mulder.

Marita marches up to him. Fury all over her face. She’s been mad at him plenty of times before, but never this mad!

MARITA
(yelling/squeaking)
ALEXANDER SERGEIOVICH KRYCEK II JR!

She slaps him hard across the face, leaving her handprint on his face. He is instantly snapped out of his rage. He knows he’s done really bad when she hits like that.

MARITA
LOOK! Look at what you’ve done!

He doesn’t remove his eyes from her in fear of what he’ll see from his wrath.

MARITA
(yelling/squeaking)
LOOK AROUND YOU!

Krycek does as she tells him. The bar resembles the remains of a battlefield.

MARITA
YOU did this! YOU! You ruined
Knowle’s restaurant. You hurt
your friend, Mulder. You made
Katie cry. And you ruined your
own birthday!

She slaps him again, this time leaving her handprint on the other side of his face.

MARITA
(furious)
I’ve been mad at you before
Alexander, but THIS draws the
line! When you can’t accept the
happiness of my sister and your
best friend... I... I! OOOH! I’m
so mad at you right now I could scream!

She slaps him again.

MARITA
Until you learn from this, and
until you apologize to everyone
on this boat and sincerely mean it,
and until you can accept that my
sister is with Mulder, and until
you accept that YOU DO NOT OWN ME!
(beat; calms self) Until you can
do these things, I don’t want to see you!

She storms off, heading for the door. Before leaving she goes over to the table that has all the birthday presents. She looks back at Krycek and then snatches the present she got for him and storms out of there, not even looking back at him with regret.

Krycek remains held by Knowle, just as Shannon McMahon enters the restaurant with two other guards from the brig. She looks around, then spots Knowle holding Krycek.

SHANNON
(glaring at Krycek; too calm)
Are there any children present?

DOGGETT
Not at the moment.

SHANNON
What the fuck did you do
you little piece of shit?!

Krycek looks over at her with fear as she approaches him with her guards.

SHANNON
You’re going to be spending a little
time with me in my brig you asshole.
(beat) Who else was involved?

She looks down at Mulder, who is on the ground with Maria, who is giving him ice for his wounds.

SHANNON
(angry)
You? Mulder? You helped with this?

MULDER
(defensive)
He leapt at me like a flying squirrel.

KRYCEK
(still mad)
And you want Marita!

MULDER
I DO NOT! They are not the same person!

Shannon tries to cut in, but their fight continues.

KRYCEK
SHE LOOKS LIKE MARITA! Admit
it! You want Marita, you punk!

MULDER
Marita has nothing to do
with this! How many times
do I have to explain that?!

KRYCEK
I HATE YOU!

His words of hatred hurt Mulder and tears well in his eyes.

SHANNON
Both of you shut up!

They do and Shannon tries to continue again.

MULDER
(not listening)
-That really hurts Alex! You’re
my friend! I would think you would
be happy that I found love!

KRYCEK
SHUT UP!

SHANNON
(pissed)
ENOUGH! NOW I WANT YOU TWO
MAGGOTS TO LISTEN UP!

She glares at them for a moment, then continues.

SHANNON
Until this matter can be
properly investigated, I’m going
hold the two of you in the brig
to await your sentencing for
destruction of private property.

Shannon snaps her fingers and the two guards she brought with her take Mulder and Krycek, dragging them away from their destruction. Shannon nods at Knowle and follows after them.

SHANNON
(not looking back)
Don’t worry, I’ll make them
talk and if they don’t... well
that’ll be a whole other ball game.

Off her almost sadistic smile, we...

CUT TO:

INT. BRIGHT – SOMEWHAT CONTINUOUS

The two brig guards struggle to control Mulder and Krycek as they drag them into the brig. Their bickering and fighting hasn’t stopped since they dragged them out of Knowle’s Café, where they left a trail of destruction behind.

MULDER
That was just mean and uncalled for Alex!

KRYCEK
SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!

The guards put them in two different cells right next to each other. The doors slam, locking them in.

SHANNON
(pissed)
BOTH OF YOU! SHUT UP!

Her voice booms over the silence of the brig.

SHANNON
You’re going to sit here and
think about what you’ve done.
There was a lot of destruction
you boys caused tonight and someone’s
going to have to do time for it.
(beat) When I get back in here,
you two better start talking to
me and stop your damn bitching.

She storms out of there and the door slams shut with a loud thunderous echo.

The boys are silent for a moment.

KRYCEK
Rule number one and a half, punk!

Mulder sits in his cell and pouts, wiping the tears from his eyes. He just doesn’t understand what is wrong with dating Maria. She’s a totally different person from Marita. He sniffles, and wishes Krycek could just be happy for him.

MULDER
(crying)
Jedi’s don’t hurt their
friends this way, Alex.
Only the Sith do.

He wipes another tear.

KRYCEK
(sarcastic)
Oh yeah, so now I’m Darth
Vader and your Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Mulder doesn’t respond. He knows that hate, anger and jealously leads to the Dark Side and that’s exactly where Krycek went tonight.

KRYCEK
Fine! I’ll be Darth Vader! He
killed Obi-Wan anyway!

MULDER
No! Obi-Wan turned into the Force!
He’s more powerful than Vader ever
could be because he could do that!

KRYCEK
NO! Vader ruled the galaxy!

MULDER
Only because he made everyone by
forcing them with fear! Obi-Wan
never approved of that, you know!

KRYCEK
Yeah?! How do you know? Do you
know Obi-Wan personally, punk?

Mulder rolls his eyes. How could he know Obi-Wan personally, he never lived in one of those galaxies far, far away...

MULDER
Because Obi-Wan was so betrayed by
Anakin’s action in “Revenge of the Sith”!
Don’t you remember the big fight scene?!
(beat) Obi-Wan saw him like a brother, just
as I see you!

KRYCEK
Well, I’d rather be singed by
lava and turn out as part machine
like Vader did than have you as
my brother, you punk!

They both begin to yell at each other as Captain Scully enters the brig. He felt the need to oversee what has happened personally.

He coughs loudly to get their attention as Mulder finishes his sentence:

MULDER
(trailing off from their fight)
... Jedi mind tricks...

CAPTAIN SCULLY
Boys...

His voice is deep, authoritative and disapproving, just as any father they needed growing up would be like.

Mulder and Krycek look at him through their cell doors. They both gulp, fearing what is to come next.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
I just came from Mr. Rohrer’s café.

He starts to pace like a lion in front of the cells. They watch him, their heads moving at the same time, as if watching a slow-motion tennis match.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
(after a short beat)
I must say, I’ve never been this
disappointed in my life.

He stops in front of Alex’s cell and looks into his eyes.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
Son, you’ve caused a lot of damage up there-

KRYCEK
(defense ready to go)
-I-

CAPTAIN SCULLY
(remaining calm)
-I’ve heard it already. You have
no excuse for what you did. I don’t
want to hear one word out of you, unless
it is a sincere apology to Mulder and
everyone else. (beat) Are we clear?

Krycek nods his head.

Captain Scully starts to pace again. The boys watch him as he walks in front of their cells.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
(after a beat)
My little granddaughter, Katie, is
so upset right now. She admires and
loves you both, and right now she is
in tears – crying in her mother’s arms -
because her Uncles Fox and Alex hate
each other.

He turns to look at Mulder in the eyes.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
She believes this. (looks to Krycek) That
you two hate each other. She’s only four
years old, she doesn’t understand that this
may just be a typical “Mulder and Krycek fight”.

He looks back at Mulder, who has tears welling in his eyes.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
(after a beat)
You let her down. Both of you. (beat)
Right now she doesn’t think she ever
wants to see you again because you upset
her that much. It’s only a matter of time
until she starts thinking “what could I have
done differently so that this never would have
happened?” (beat) That’s how she thinks. She
spends almost all day with the two of you. You
are her best friends. The friends she looks up
to, admires, and loves.

He starts to pace again, this time making them wait longer to hear what he has to say.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
(after a long beat)
You two have known each other since
you were kids and it breaks my heart
to see you going at each other like this.

He stops in front of Krycek, and looks at him directly.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
You owe everyone an apology. You owe Mulder,
your best friend, an apology. I want you to
stop be so selfish and start taking notice in
the people around you. Acknowledge their happiness,
their sadness, their pain and grief, their love.
(beat) You’re best friend is in love, and after
all that he has been through in life – losing a
loved one, his sister – you treat him this way.
Your behavior today is uncalled for, and don’t
you think for one second that I won’t make you
sit down here until you grow up, because I will.
(beat) I expect more from you than this kind of bullshit.

He turns to Mulder, who has tears streaming down his face.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
Son, you are not out of trouble either.

Mulder opens his mouth to say something, but stops when Captain Scully holds a silencing hand up.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
I know, Fox... I know, you were defending
yourself. Yet still, you were a part of what
happened up there tonight, even though it
was to no fault of your own. I want you both
to take responsibility for your actions. (beat)
Katie is upset with you too.

Mulder lowers his head in shame. Captain Scully starts to pace again.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
(to “himself” – wanting the boys to hear)
So now I’m left wondering what to do with
the two of you. (he sighs) I could make
you sit down here for days eating only
Brussels sprouts, sauerkraut and broccoli...

Mulder and Krycek look up at him in fear. Not that again, they were just released of that horrid combination of food not so long ago after Krycek took Katie’s stuffed dog.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
(to “himself”)
But no... you’ve been through that before
and you didn’t learn. I need to find a
punishment worthy of your destruction...

He stops pacing with a little “ah-ha”, as if he just thought of the perfect punishment for their actions. He turns to face them.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
You will each spend one week in isolation
AWAY from each other.

Mulder and Krycek’s jaws drop wide open. A WHOLE WEEK WITHOUT SEEING EACH OTHER?! That’s inconceivable!

CAPTAIN SCULLY
AFTER you apologize to everyone.

He hides his smile and keeps a stern look on them.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
You will spend the night in the brig
and tomorrow morning you will apologize
for your actions. Then will begin the
one week isolation from each other. (beat)
Are we clear?

MULDER/KRYCEK
Yes, sir.

CAPTAIN SCULLY
Good.

He turns and leaves the brig, leaving them alone for one more night before heading into a week long isolation from each other.

KRYCEK
Boy did we screw up bad.

MULDER
Yeah, totally. I feel bad.

KRYCEK
Me too. I never wanted to
upset Katie. I was just having
a really bad day, you know? Turning
forty-two and all-

MULDER
Forty-three, man.

KRYCEK
Whatever.

Silence fills the brig as Krycek looks over at Mulder.

KRYCEK
I’m happy for you buddy. You’ve got
one hot chick. (beat) Friends again?

Mulder tries to hide his smile, but gives in.

MULDER
Friends again.

KRYCEK
I’m sorry.

MULDER
Me too.

KRYCEK
Why are you sorry?

MULDER
For telling you on your birthday.
I know how hard this day is for you.

Krycek nods his head.

KRYCEK
So we’re buddies again?

MULDER
Buddies forever!

Mulder reaches out with his hand, as does Krycek and they hold hands as a way of hugging each other.

KRYCEK
Time for a song?

MULDER
You betcha.

KRYCEK
You be Sonny?

MULDER
Only if you’re Cher.

They smile... and:

KRYCEK
(singing)
They say we're young and we don't know
We won't find out until we grow

MULDER
(singing)
Well I don't know if all that's true
'Cause you got me, and baby I got you
Babe.

MULDER/KRYCEK
(singing)
I got you babe
I got you babe

KRYCEK
(singing)
They say our love won't pay the rent
Before it's earned, our money's all been spent

MULDER
(singing)
I guess that's so, we don't have a pot
But at least I'm sure of all the things we got
Babe.

MULDER/KRYCEK
(singing)
I got you babe
I got you babe

And as they continuing singing “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher, we...

FADE OUT:

THE END.


 

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