"Fox & Rat" Virtual Series - Season Ten






 

Title: "Housesitters"

[ download PDF ]

Series: FRVS - Episode #210

Written by: Cassie

Edited by: Claudine

Classification: humor

Rating: PG-13 (sexual situations, language)

Air Date: 21 October 2017

Date Written: 17, 20, 26 May 2017; 2-3, 7, 25 June 2017; 8-9 July 2017; 16 July 2017

Summary: The Doggetts take a Spring Break road trip, and trust their house and dog to the care of Mulder and Krycek.

Disclaimer: "The X-Files" and its characters belong to 20th Century FOX Broadcasting. If you recognize it, it's not our own creation. Original characters belong to Cassie and Kristi (FRVS). "Star Wars" belongs to George Lucas.

Feedback: foxandratvs@gmail.com

Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series, and Semper Fi only. If you would like to include any of our episodes in your fanfic archive, please contact us at: foxandratvs@gmail.com

Author's Note: Sometimes the actions of these characters are cartoonish in nature. If you actually think that following their horrible example is a good thing to do, we are not responsible for your lack of common sense. The personalities of the characters within the world of "Fox & Rat" are not those you know from "The X-Files" television series. We have warped them and given them a common past, immature behavior and a sense of humor.

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FADE IN:

EXT. DOGGETT HOUSE – BACK YARD
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA
SATURDAY, 14 MARCH 2020
8:06 A.M.

It is a beautiful spring morning, the birds are chirping, the breeze is pleasant and it is as tranquil as Eugene Ormandy's "Morning". The Doggett household is up, and yes, for a Saturday morning, they were up early. They had to be. After all, today was the day that John Doggett would mow and tend to their yard. And it was the most beautiful yard on the block... and some may even argue... the entire city.

The mower stops and John Doggett removes the protective goggles from his eyes and admires the yard.

It. Is. Perfect.

He kneels down and runs his hand gently over the freshly cut blades. It is as soft and as even as velvet.

The door opens behind him, and as was tradition, Scully, Katie and Will file out and stand on the back porch to look at the yard. Katie's eyes are stuck in an eye roll. Like, really? We have to do this every time dad cuts the lawn? And Will, has his football in hand, ready to play on the freshly cut grass. And Scully, has bed head, a robe on, and bunny slippers on her feet. She is nursing a warm cup of coffee.

DOGGETT
Well kids…

John comes to stand next to his family. He is being a little too "Clark Griswoldian" about this.

DOGGETT
It’s beautiful, isn’t it?

KATIE
Yes, dad, it’s so pretty. (beat)
Can I go back to bed now?

WILLIAM
I wanna play FOOTBALL!

Will starts to run out into the yard. John stops him, picking him up.

DOGGETT
Oh no, no, no… Not until
after the Yard Competition
in a few weeks.

Their neighborhood Yard Competition (for most beautifully kept yard) is the weekend of John's 53rd birthday, on April fourth, the weekend after they get back from their trip to Texas (for which they are leaving today).

SCULLY
John… Let him play-

John gives her a look.

DOGGETT
We're going to win this year.

John sets his son on the ground, patting the boy on the head.

WILLIAM
But dad!

The young boy wails in protest! Unfair!

WILLIAM
I'm not gonna be able to play
anymore cuz we're goin' outta town.

He looks down, pathetically so, hoping to earn his father's sympathy with an endearing pout.

DOGGETT
You can play when we get there.

John ushers his children inside. He smiles at his wife. She is giving him that “really John? he's only six years old and who really cares about a yard competition except for you” look.

He is in trouble, but he gives her a lopsided grin.

DOGGETT
I love you.

She smirks at him, she is rarely ever angry with him for too long when he flashes that lopsided grin her way.

SCULLY
I know...

She sips her coffee and goes inside with him.

That afternoon, Doggett is packing up the van they are renting for their Spring Break road trip to the Doggett Family Farm in McAllen, Texas. Doggett is counting all their bags, taking inventory to make sure they don't forget anything. From down the road he starts to hear music blaring, "Mr. Blue Sky" by Electric Light Orchestra, comes closer and closer and closer...

Sun is shinin’ in the sky
There ain’t a cloud in sight
It’s stopped rainin’ everybody’s in a play
And don’t you know
It’s a beautiful new day, hey hey

As Mulder and Krycek pull up into the driveway, blocking the road trip rental van. Doggett turns, his hands covering his ears as the song blares.

Runnin’ down the avenue
See how the sun shines brightly in the city
On the streets where once was pity
Mister blue sky is living here today, hey hey

DOGGETT
TURN IT DOWN!
IT’S TOO DAMN LOUD!

But Mulder and Krycek can’t hear him, the music is, you know, too damn loud.

Mister blue sky please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?

Frustrated, Doggett goes over to them, leaning into the open driver side window and turns off the car.

DOGGETT
(scolding them like teenage kids)
What, are you trying to go deaf?!

MULDER/KRYCEK
What?!

Yup, their ear drums are blasted.

DOGGETT
Back up the damn car.

Doggett says and wonders why he's trusting them with the house while they are out of town.

DOGGETT
You're blocking the van.

MULDER
Oh, sorry.

Mulder, the driver, says and starts to back up as Krycek is trying to get out of the passenger side.

KRYCEK
HEY!

Mulder ignores his friend and as Krycek stumbles out of the way, falling into the grass.

DOGGETT
Dammit! Don't
get on the grass!

Krycek looks at him like “huh? what's the problem, yo?” as he gets up and dusts himself off.

KRYCEK
Geez!

He looks back at his butt, turning around in place, much like a dog trying to nab its own tail.

KRYCEK
I got a grass stain on my
tooshie! I'm gonna sue you!

Doggett frowns and gives him a look as Mulder approaches.

MULDER
(sing-song-y)
Okie-dokie artichoke.

Mulder has a silly grin on his face.

MULDER
I brought notepads to take
notes. We're gonna be so
good at this you're gonna
want us to move in!

DOGGETT
(snorts)
Hmph.

Doggett turns to head inside, waving them to follow him.

With a hop and a skip the boys follow. Doggett takes them through the house with a list of do's and don'ts.  He watches as Mulder takes his notes... a little TOO meticulous in his note taking, but John just assumes that he is taking this seriously.

But, now, c'mon... what have we all learned about assuming anything in life? Much less assuming anything about Mulder and Krycek that would paint them in a responsible light? Yeah... just... don't.

DOGGETT
And I'm leaving Buddy here.

Doggett said, and the old dog looked up form his master's feet. Is that fear we see in Buddy’s eyes?

DOGGETT
Remember he's old now,
so no horse play and be
gentle with him.

MULDER/KRYCEK
Okie-dokie, dad... we mean John

Dana joins them, she’s all chipper and trusting of her “baby boys.” Why, well… we honestly do not know.

SCULLY
Oh Johnny, they're going to
be fine. It's just two weeks that
we'll be gone and they are responsible.

She smiles at the boys and pinches both of their cheeks.

SCULLY
Aren't you my little baby boys?

The boys, much like Ferris Bueller with his own parents as he charmed and cutsie-wootsied them into believing he was sick for the day, did the same cutsie-wootsie facial twitches. Awww, aren’t they too gosh darn adorable?!

WILLIAM
(doubtful)
Mom... really?

William, their six year old son, who is, in no way, falling for Mulder and Krycek's act of 'oh we're just so darn cute!'

Dana cleared her throat and straightened up.

SCULLY
Now, we've left money on the
counter for you, just in case you
need to order a pizza, or if there
is an emergency with Buddy
while we are gone.

DOGGETT
(stern)
It's not for buying toys.

KRYCEK
C'mon, we're grown boys…
errm…I mean... We're grown
men. We don't buy toys.

Even Mulder has to give him a look. Is Krycek already forgetting how he splurged on buying all SEVEN "Syndicate X" action figures? He sighs, ahhhhh... "Syndicate X" that silly, naughty, perverted cable show (with the beloved main characters: Sculder, Mully, Dogbert, and Moronica) that he and Krycek used to obsess over. Oh how he wishes he had bought the same action figures! But his wife and daughter, Maria and Pookalina Shmi, wouldn't let him.

Mulder shakes his head and looks to John and Dana.

MULDER
(assuring)
Don't worry about a thing.
We're gonna take good care
of your home and your dog.
You have nothing to worry about.

Dana smiles, and John lifts his brow in doubt.

DOGGETT
Mhm.

SCULLY
Ok, kids!

Dana claps her hands together to gather everyone to the foyer.

SCULLY
Let's hit the road!

Katie rolls her eyes as she puts her ear-buds in and walks by her uncles and parents. Will follows, determined to take whichever seat his sister wants in the rental van, just to be a “sibling.”

Dana hugs the boys.

SCULLY
You two take care
and have fun.

DOGGETT
(Mr. Sternface)
No parties. No drinking.
No women. No mischief.

SCULLY
(laughing at his paranoia)
Oh John.

Dana pulls him from the house.

As John is being dragged to the car, he points two fingers at his own eyes, and then at Mulder and Krycek... as the boys wave merrily from the front door.

With a sigh, John got in the van and buckles himself into the driver's seat. He looks at his house, as if it were the last time he'd see it in one piece...

Dana looks at him, then at the house with the boys waving from the door.

SCULLY
It'll be fine.

John shakes his head and starts the van.

DOGGETT
I don't know... I've got a
bad feeling about this...

And as the van backs out of the driveway, Mulder and Krycek keep up their waving. Once the van is out of sight, they close the door and look around the house. Obviously mom, errr... Scully, had cleaned and the place was perfect and neat. They share a look and at the same time, a devious grin crosses both their faces....

CUT TO:

THE NEXT DAY…

INT. RENTAL VAN – AFTERNOON
SUNDAY, 15 MARCH 2020

The Doggetts have been on the road for a day now, and they are getting closer and closer to their first destination, Pawleys Island, South Carolina.

Dana is at the wheel. John is in the passenger seat next to her, with the seat reclined and a pillow behind his head. His eyes are closed, but there’s no way he could be asleep. In the back of the van, Katie and Will are misbehaving. Will is using a straw to shoot spitballs at his sister. Katie, to try to get him back, is blowing her nose into Kleenex, and tossing it at her little brother. The squealing and giggling is louder than the music that Dana is trying to listen to, a road trip favorite since the Colorado Springs Road Trip of 2001, Céline Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On,” from one of hers and John’s favorite movies from the 1990s, “Titanic.”

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you’re here in my heart and my heart will go on and-

Finally, after years, they are able to get out of town as a family! The past few months have been a bit bumpy for John and Dana. She left the FBI almost a month ago, and things have gotten better between them. For starters, she and John are getting along again. Now that they’re no longer working together, and seeing each other 24/7, they have renewed interest in what the other’s day was like. Being apart during the workday has actually brought them closer together. Dana looks over at John and smiles.

They’ve only one more hurdle to conquer in getting their marriage back on track… their sex life. That’s still staggering behind, but they’re positive that in good time that will kick back into gear too. Maybe it might kick into gear during this road trip.

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we’re gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold you

In my life we’ll always go on

And even better, this July she and John are finally going on their honeymoon to Hawai’i. On 2 June they will be celebrating their fourteenth wedding anniversary. In those fourteen years their life has been hectic. Just after they were married on The Pequod they were in the midst of the Alien War and couldn’t go on a proper honeymoon. Then along came Katie, then Will, then John was deployed as a General in the Second American Civil War, after that war they focused on rebuilding their home in Falls Church. They just never found the time to go on a honeymoon.

They booked their airline tickets last week, and Dana took a bright pink highlighter to their kitchen wall calendar and highlighted 10-19 July. They’ll get back right on time to join Knowle and Monica in San Antonio for the 2020 Republican National Convention.

They are looking forward to their first ever romantic getaway since they started dating all those years ago! And to be headed to Hawai’i! Dana sighs contentedly. She hasn’t been to Hawai’i since… well, since she was involved with Skinner after all that Y2K hullabaloo!

KATIE
MOM! Will is pulling my hair!

WILL
AM NOT!

Dana looks back at her children through the rearview mirror. Sure enough, Will has a fist full of his sister’s hair in his hand!

SCULLY
Will! Let go of your
sister’s hair, or you won’t
get a happy meal at the
next McDonalds stop!

Dana takes her eyes off the rearview mirror for a moment to keep her eyes on the road ahead of her. But when she looks back, she sees that though Will has stopped pulling Katie’s hair, he’s now trying to put chewing gum in her hair!

SCULLY
WILL! STOP IT!

In the passenger seat next to her, John opens one eye, and turns his head to look at his wife. He sighs and sits up, and turns around to look at his kids.

DOGGETT
Will, put that gum back
in your mouth. If that ends
up in Katie’s hair, I’m
shaving you bald.

Katie starts laughing, and Will pops the gum back into his mouth.

WILL
(not scared)
A military haircut?!
Awesome!

SCULLY
If you two don’t behave,
I’ll turn this car around
and we’ll go home!

Will ignores his mother’s hollow threat, and lunges toward Katie, sticking his fingers back into his mouth to retrieve his chewing gum.

SCULLY
I’ll shave your eyebrows
right off, Will!

Dana smiles as she remembers the time that the Janitor at the FBI shaved off Krycek’s eyebrows. Krycek never explained exactly why the Janitor had shaved off only one of his eyebrows, but she’s sure it had something to do with either getting back at him for something awful he had done, or to get him to behave. Not that he behaves an awful lot, but still. Maybe the threat of losing an eyebrow will get her six year old son to behave.

Will’s eyes are wide open at this new threat from his mother. Imagine only having one eyebrow. What would his friends think?! Will puts the gum back in his mouth, and sits back in his seat, quiet-like.

Dana and John share a look, and exchange a high five.

The van continues on in silence for a little while. When Céline Dion’s song “I Hate You Then I Love You” starts, Katie groans.

KATIE
Ugh… I hate this song.

And because when Dana was a child, and complained about her father’s music he would turn up the volume, she turns up the volume.

KATIE
It reminds me of Uncle Alex
and Auntie Marita.

Impossible to live with you

But I could never live without you

For whatever you do
For whatever you do

I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you
You make me sad
You make me strong
You make me mad

Dana raises an eyebrow. Yes, this song really is like the definition of Krycek and Marita’s relationship. Like, she knows they’re divorced now, but are they a couple again? One never really knows anymore. They’re all “I hate you!” and “I love you!” just like they were when they were sorta kinda but not really dating in high school. This song could have been written specifically for them! Dana reaches over and turns down the volume. John looks at her, she looks annoyed.

DOGGETT
(laughing)
Just thinking about Krycek
gets on your nerves now?

SCULLY
No, well… his whole
love-hate relationship
with Marita gets to me.
(beat) I wish the two of
them would decide what
they want. I mean… they
can’t possibly go on for
the rest of their lives both
hating and loving each other.

DOGGETT
Not everyone is like
you and I, sweetheart.

John leans over and kisses Dana on the cheek.

KATIE/WILL
Ewwwww!

WILL
That’s gross, DAD!

Katie, though she exclaimed “ewwwww,” doesn’t go as far as to say kissing a boy is gross. In fact, there are a couple boys in her school that she finds cute. It’s just “ew” when her parents kiss. Parents aren’t supposed to do that in front of their kids!

SCULLY
Ok, who has to go potty?
Rest area in five miles.

Katie rolls her eyes.

KATIE
Why do you say potty?
I hate that word.

SCULLY
Because it sounds better
than saying-

WILL
-Pee!

Dana turns around to look back at Will.

SCULLY
Do you have to go?

Will shakes his head “no.” Katie rolls her eyes, and puts her ear buds into her ears and starts up her iPod.

SCULLY
(to Doggett)
I guess we’ll keep on going.

DOGGETT
I think we should stop anyway.

SCULLY
Why?

DOGGETT
One of them will change
their mind just as we pass
the rest area.

SCULLY
No. (beat) Only Mulder
and Krycek do things
like that. (beat) Find something
else for us to listen to.

John gives her a look, but she ignores it. He rummages through their iPod and selects some old school country music.

DOGGETT
(excited)
Kids, listen to this song.

Katie and Will groan as their dad turns up the volume on “Blue Moon of Kentucky,” by Boxcar Willie, one of their dad’s favorite country singers.

Blue moon of Kentucky keep on shining
Shine on the one that’s gone and left me blue
Blue moon of Kentucky keep on shining
Shine on the one that’s gone and left me blue
It was on a moonlight night stars shining bright
Whisper on high love to say goodbye

John turns to look back at his kids, as he snaps his fingers to the music, with a doofy “dad” grin on his face. Dana rolls her eyes at him. She isn’t exactly a fan of country music, she knows that this song and maybe one more will be her limit. Plus… once they finally cross into Texas from Louisiana in a few days, she knows nothing will be able to stop John from playing his country music.

Personally, she prefers the songs of Patsy Cline, not because most of her songs are about heartbreak, but John loves playing her vinyl records on his turntable, and dancing with her in the living room. And on nights when she has difficulty falling asleep, John softly sings Patsy’s “Crazy” to her to help her relax and to fall asleep.

She sees the exit for the rest area ahead of them.

SCULLY
Last chance!
Who has to pee?!

She looks back at her kids, they shake their heads “no.” And a few seconds later, she drives their rental van right past the rest area exit.

WILL
Mommy! I gotta pee!

John gives Dana a look, a “told ya so” look. She sighs, not knowing when they’ll have another chance to stop for a restroom.

CUT TO:

INT. DOGGETT HOUSE – LATER THAT DAY
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA

No worries, the Doggett house is still standing. There’s been no fires, no parties, the house more or less looks exactly as it did when the Doggetts left yesterday.

Mulder and Krycek stand shoulder-to-shoulder, staring out the back door at the immaculate back yard.

MULDER
Roller derby…

KRYCEK
Pancakes…

Mulder tries to raise one eyebrow, but his eyes wiggle around and roll around, but hey, if he thinks he’s raising a single eyebrow, good on him!

MULDER
I think we could install
a roller derby course.

KRYCEK
Bungee jumping…

Mulder flick’s Krycek’s ear with his finger.

KRYCEK
Ow!

MULDER
You can’t bungee jump
off the roof. We already
discussed this.

KRYCEK
You could, but…

Krycek starts to snigger to himself.

KRYCEK
But you’d belly flop on
the ground and flatten
your nose!

Mulder shakes his head at his little buddy, and pats him on the back as if thinking to himself “you poor, poor, silly old man.”

MULDER
I’m gonna call the
cement company and
set up an appointment.

Mulder sticks out his tongue just a wee little bit, gets a mischievous look in his eyes, and turns around quickly to go make the phone call, almost sliding in his socks on the ceramic kitchen floor.

Buddy, the ol’ loyal Doggett beagle dog, stands behind Krycek, and watches the boys carefully, as if he alone is left to manage both the house and the boys. Buddy, knowing it’s hopeless to stop them, looks at you, the reader, with sad puppy dog eyes.

By the next day, Monday, Mulder and Krycek have completely forgotten that the cement truck was coming to the Doggett house. But are they at work at the FBI? You would think that they would at least be that responsible, but since they realized that the Doggetts were going out of town for Spring Break, they figured they got a Spring Break too. WRONG! Adults aren’t that lucky, only school children and college students are lucky enough to have the luxury of a Spring Break (that and Doggett had accumulated plenty of vacation hours so he could take this trip with his family).

Mulder and Krycek are lying together, cuddled up on the sofa sleeper in the living room. They are sipping on orange juice, using William’s Batman sippy cups. They are watching the Brendan Fraser and Pauley Shore classic, “Encino Man.” They are so engrossed in the movie that they aren’t talking, they’re just reacting to the movie with random bodily wiggles, and giggles.

Well gather ‘round and let me tell you all a story
About a boy and his monkey
He’s got that kind of monkey that the girls wanna know
He likes to take his monkey every place that he goes

Mulder and Krycek start wiggling like mad to the Infectious Groove song “Feed The Monkey.”

Hey, ho, you see the monkey?
Did you know you made my monkey hungry?
I didn’t really know how it get so hungry
I’d like to know

Would you feed the monkey?
Well you can pet my monkey
‘Cause my monkey don’t bite

But when you pet my monkey

He get funky all night

My monkey ain’t no ordinary orangutang
‘Cause my monkey likes to do the wild thing

KRYCEK
Instead of Russian Love Gun
I should call me penis My Monkey!

(Author’s note: yeah, that’s original! *eye roll*)

MULDER
We should get a cave man!

Krycek’s eyes light up with wild boyish excitement!

KRYCEK
A CAVE MAAAAAAAN!
YAAAAASSSSSS!!!

Mulder hops up off the sofa sleeper (in case I didn’t mention it earlier, yes, they both slept in the sofa sleeper last night).

MULDER
Even better! We should
dig mom and dad a pool!

W%&Q#T$#*&F!!!!! ZZZZZOOOOMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!#*&$!!WTF!!?!?*&#!#!!!!!!!!!@! GaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YAAASSSSSSS! A pool! Doggett and Scully need a frookin’ POOL!

*DING! DONG!*

Wha, huh?! Who is ringing the doorbell at such an early hour this Monday morning. Mulder and Krycek both waddle over to the front door and look out the window and see a man standing there wearing a RICK’S CEMENT COMPANY T-shirt.

Whoops! Oh yeah! Mulder called the cement company yesterday to have them come over to plop down cement all over the back yard! Doh! Mulder and Krycek share a look, best be opening the door and pretending they have no idea what this RICK’S CEMENT COMPANY man is talking about.

CUT TO:

EXT. BEACH HOUSE – AFTERNOON
PAWLEY’S ISLAND, SOUTH CAROLINA
MONDAY, 16 MARCH 2020
2:14 P.M.

It is a rainy day in Pawleys Island today. The rental van that John and Dana rented pulls up in the driveway of the beach house. Months ago John had reserved, and paid for, his family to stay here for a couple nights while on their way to Texas (on a trip planned to take his kids through the city in Georgia where he was born, Savannah).

The van comes to a stop.

John gets out of the van and runs to the front door of the beach house and uses the key they picked up from the landlord to open the front door. Once it’s open, Will pulls open the door of the van, and hops out. Instead of running to the dry interior of the house, he splashes around in the puddles in the front lawn.

DOGGETT
Will!

He shouts at his son to get him to stop splashing around and to get inside.

In the van, Katie and Dana share a look. Why does it have to be raining?

SCULLY
Grab your bag, and run inside.

KATIE
(disappointed)
I wanted to swim in the ocean.

SCULLY
Me too, but there’s
nothing we can do to
control the weather, shortcake.

Reluctantly, Katie grabs her backpack, and gets out of the van and runs past her brother and towards her father, and into the house.

Knowing that she and John will be bringing in the majority of the bags they packed, Dana gets out of the van, walks to the back and pops open the trunk. She hears John speaking to their son, and looks over and sees that he’s picking Will up and carrying him into the house.

Dana shakes her head and lets out a laugh. This trip has been a real “trip” that’s for sure! In fact, this is the first real trip they’ve taken as a family since the end of the Alien War. Over the years she had gotten used to grown men (re: Mulder and Krycek) acting like children on various road trips, and she thought that would have prepared her well for her first family road trip with her two young children. It both has prepared her, and hasn’t. For starters, though Mulder and Krycek are professional whiners, Katie and Will have them beat. The question “are we there yet?” was asked at least three-hundred times by Katie and Will within the first three hours on the road yesterday. Though the drive down to Pawleys Island is just under eight hours, they only drove halfway yesterday, and the rest of the way today. The question “are we there yet” is permanently engraved in her mind now.

Road trips with Mulder and Krycek (and the rest of the gang) were always full of perverted jokes, and behaviour, but not with her children. No, the immaturity came with throwing shoes out the window, farting, spit balls, hair pulling… wait… come to think of it, even road trips with Mulder and Krycek contained all that, but still, with actual children it seemed more… exhausting. And at least with grown ups, they knew the importance of stopping at rest areas to go pee, whereas with kids, not so much.

She hears the sound of John running through the rain. She looks at him and smiles. He’s sopping wet. She likes when he’s sopping wet. Especially when he’s wearing one of his white T-shirts and is sopping wet. Like right now.

John’s so damn attractive flexing his muscles to lift their suitcases and bags out of the trunk of the van, in his sopping, dripping wet white T-shirt, water dripping from his hair, rolling down his face, onto his neck… Dana bites her lower lip as she eyes him from head to toe. Mm! This man is fine!

She hears loud giggling of her children coming from inside the house. No doubt there’s no time for “innocent” adult hanky-panky on this trip. Katie and Will are too riled up to let them alone for any significant amount of time. They’ll probably have to wait for real, actual, alone adult time on their July honeymoon (that’s only four months away). Surely she and John can find “alone time” together before then, right?

DOGGETT
They’re fighting over which
room is theirs. (laughs)
There are only two rooms.

He grabs one of the bags from the back of the van and sets it on the wet driveway.

SCULLY
I was just thinking that
one of these days-

DOGGETT
-We need to make out
in the rain? Perhaps when
we’re in Hawai’i…

SCULLY
(smiling)
Yes.

Is she that easy to read?!

Dana wraps her arms around his neck, and gazes up at his lips. The wet T-shirt, the sound of the rain, the cool breeze, and the fact that yes, it’s a bit cold outside, all make her want to cozy up to her husband for some one-on-one time. She goes up on tip-toe and slowly kisses him, running her fingers up the back of his neck and into his wet hair.

Working out their marital problems hasn’t been very difficult at all, they’ve spent much more time flirting, and making out with each other than they have since before they were wed.

SCULLY
You know, we could vacation in
the  middle of war-torn Oklahoma
and it would be the most romantic
getaway of our lives at this point.

He gives her one of his adorable lopsided grins, and nods his head.

DOGGETT
We’d probably just fall
asleep at the hotel because-

SCULLY
-Katie and Will have worn
us out so much that we both
need the peace and quiet.

The smile at each other, they’re right back to finishing each other’s sentences! They’re back in-sync!

John picks up two of their suitcases, purposely adding a little grunt for the benefit of his wife. He knows how badly they both want to get back to being physically intimate with each other, and with the kids around all the time, he’s been too worried that Katie and Will would hear their sex noises. No way, nuh-uh, he does not want his children to be traumatized by that! And Dana has a hard time keeping it quiet when they have been intimate. Of course, she knows that being loud drives him wild so…

John looks at Dana and winks at her, and takes the bag she is about to pick up to carry it into the house for her.

DOGGETT
At least Buddy is getting
a break from the kids. I’m
sure he appreciates that.

He heads off toward the house. Dana grabs a couple pillows, and Will’s duffle bag, and follows him. She leaves the trunk open, not wanting to set down their pillows to close it.

CUT TO:

EXT. DOGGETT HOUSE – BACK YARD
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA
4:39 P.M.

John Doggett’s immaculate back yard is TOAST! Inspired by the movie “Encino Man,” the boys are working harder than they’ve ever worked with shovels, digging a large hole in the middle of the yard. The soft, velvety green grass is no more, there’s mud everywhere, even on the roof of the house!

Helpless as ever against what Mulder and Krycek are doing, Buddy has managed to find a way up on top of the kitchen counter so he can watch them from the kitchen window. There’s absolutely nothing the dog can do except sit there and angrily bark at them, which goes unheard.

There’s a knock at the front door, and Buddy’s ears perk up and he turns his head, and hops down off the counter to run to the door. It opens and Marita comes into the foyer. She’s got hers and Krycek’s daughter, Sasha Baby (age 3) in her arms. It’s Monday, but Marita is playing hooky. She didn’t feel like going in to work for Vice President Knowle Rohrer today, instead she’s spent most of the day hanging out with her twin sister, Maria (and hers and Mulder’s daughter, Pookalina Shmi), at Apartment 42 in Alexandria.

Sasha Baby is a cute blond toddler, dressed up in dull orange overalls with a light green Tshirt underneath. Her hair is up in pigtails.

“Martin,” hers and “Krycek’s” (aka Mulder’s) son walks in ahead of her. He’s wearing a Sherlock Holmes hat on his head, and has a child’s Sherlock Holmes pipe hanging out of his mouth. He holds a magnifying glass in his hand and is “investigating.”

Buddy lets out a happy WOOF! He’s so happy that Marita has arrived! Finally! Someone will stop Mulder and Krycek before too much damage to the back yard has been done! (it’s already too late, sorry Buddy).

MARITA
Hey Buddy boy! Where
are Alex and Mulder?

She speaks to the dog in a cutesy-wootsey voice. Buddy HOWLS! and runs toward the back door in the kitchen. WOOOOOF! WOOOF! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF! He howls trying to tell Marita of all the bad going on out back.

Marita looks out the back door window and her jaw drops. She hikes little Sasha Baby up  higher on her hip, and opens the back door, followed closely by Buddy. They both have very stern looks on their faces.

MARITA
What new fresh Hell is this?!

Mulder and Krycek don’t hear her, they’re blaring the radio too loudly, Oingo Boingo’s “Ballad of The Caveman.”

I’ll tell you ‘bout a caveman lived a million years ago
When Mother Earth was young and dinosaurs walked to and fro
His skull contained but half a brain, but he didn’t mind at all
He’s a hotshot caveman, ya-do-dah
Who love to fight and brawl

Watching Mulder and Krycek dig to this song is like watching them dig in fast-forward mode, even their heaving and panting is a bit hyperactive! The song slows for a moment, and the boys rest on their shovels, heaving and panting in regular pace. But then the song picks back up again and it’s LUDICROUS SPEED, GO!

MARITA
STOP DIGGING!!!

Marita’s screeching is loud enough to be heard by Mulder and Krycek, but they don’t stop digging, no, they keep on going. Dirt flies up out of the already five foot hole that they’ve managed to dig already – kurplunk! kurplunk! KURPLUUNK! Mulder and Krycek grin at her and wave.

Marita sets little Sasha Baby down on the back porch and walks out to the boys. She crosses her arms across her chest and stares them down.

MARITA
What are you two doing?

MULDER
Oh, hi, Marita.

KRYCEK
Digging a pool.

They smile up at her from inside the hole. They actually think that what they’re doing is the right thing to do!

MARITA
Do John and Dana know
that you’re doing this?

MULDER
No, but-

KRYCEK
-But Scully has been
saying that she would
like to have a pool.

Marita looks back and forth from Krycek to Mulder, Mulder to Krycek. Are they out of their minds?! Do they not know that John Doggett has entered into his street’s Best Yard Competition that is coming up the weekend after he, Dana, and the kids get back from Texas?!

MARITA
It’s been nice knowing you.

With that Marita turns around swiftly, picks up Sasha Baby, and heads back inside. She finds “Martin” crawling around in the cabinet under the sink, and takes hold of his hand and leaves the house. There is no way in the world that she’s going to get dragged down with Mulder and Krycek for this one. No way! No how!

CUT TO:

EXT. BEACH HOUSE – COVERED BACK DECK – THAT EVENING
PAWLEYS ISLAND, SOUTH CAROLINA

The rain hasn’t let up all day long, and now that the sun is starting to set, the Doggett family has gathered on the screened-in back deck of the house, overlooking the Atlantic Ocean.

Katie is curled up in a chair, in one of her dad’s USMC sweatshirts, she’s reading a book, “The Diary of Anne Frank.” It’s a chilly night, no warmer than 41* Fahrenheit.

Will is standing on another chair holding binoculars to his face, gazing out at the ocean. All day he’s been trying to spot marine life. He’s only managed to spot a couple dolphins earlier this afternoon. And though it’s been rather cold all day long, he still begged his parents if he could go swimming in the ocean, arguing that it was safe since there’s been no lightning or thunder. He was denied.

Dana sits in a chair next to her daughter, wrapped up in a blanket made of several T-shirts she and John decided were no longer “wearable” such as an old Harvard University shirt, Syracuse University, New York Police Department, FBI Academy, a Paris/Eiffel Tower shirt, a London red double-decker bus shirt, a Star Wars shirt with Han and Chewie on it, San Antonio Spurs, Dallas Cowboys, and a couple random theme park shirts like one from Wally World.

If it weren’t for this darn rain they would have been grilling dinner tonight, but instead, John is inside preparing their favorite (Uncle Knowle’s) Rohrer Burgers for dinner, on a Foreman Grill. Knowle would be insulted by this means of preparation, but he’s not here and he’ll never know.

Dana can hear John inside, singing his rendition of “Blue Moon of Kentucky” as he gets dinner ready. She smiles to herself, not many people know this, but John really does have a great singing voice, and only she and the kids know it.

DOGGETT
(singing, off screen)
It is on a moonlit night
The stars shining bright
They whispered from high
Your love has said goodbye

The door to the back deck opens, and John joins them, carrying a plate of the hamburgers.

DOGGETT
(singing)
Blue moon of Kentucky keep on shining
(he stops singing)
Dinner is ready!

Will jumps off of the chair he’s standing on, and runs to the table where his dad has set down the plate of burgers.

WILL
Yay!

Dana stands up, and touches John on the arm, a signal that she’ll go inside and get the buns, ketchup, and other toppings for the burgers.

Katie places a bookmark in her book, and sits at the table, and stares at the “Rohrer Burgers” in front of her.

Now let me explain.

You know how you go out to eat at a restaurant and you get a fairly decent sized burger, right? Right. Well, Rohrer Burgers are effing massive (got their name because Knowle made them, and well, Knowle is a really big guy). They’re so massive that one cannot properly bite into a Rohrer Burger when it is placed in a bun with tomatoes, pickles, lettuce, onion, ketchup and mustard. In fact, Knowle swears that the fun in eating one of his Rohrer Burgers is that you end up with food all down the front of you once you’re done. Because of this, the Rohrer Burger is a hit with the kids, not so much with those of us who like to stay clean during a meal.

KATIE
Dad…? Did you have
to make them all
Rohrer Burgers?

Obviously, Katie is not one that likes to get food all over the front of her.

DOGGETT
Sorry shortcake, I forgot you
don’t like to eat ‘em so big.
I can cut one in half for you.

Katie rolls her eyes at her dad, that’s silly.

KATIE
I’m quite capable of
cutting my own burger, dad.

John tries to suck this up, his baby girl, it seems, needs his help less and less now. Before he knows it she’ll be shopping for bras, dating boys, getting her heart broken by said boys, and eventually will come home with the right boy, and he’ll be walking her down the aisle. He gives Katie a smile, and takes a knife and fork to a burger and cuts it in half for her anyway. Katie rolls her eyes.

KATIE
I wish it hadn’t rained
all day long, I really wanted
to wear my new bikini.

DOGGETT
Bikini?!

Dana rejoins the fam’, bringing with her all the goodies to top the massive Rohrer Burgers, including dish towels, draped over her arm.

SCULLY
I brought towels to tuck
into your shirts to keep
them from getting messy.

DOGGETT
Bikini?

No one is acknowledging John’s question. John looks around the table to Katie, to Will, to Dana, even to the plate of Rohrer Burgers in front of him. How is his daughter already own a bikini? He looks back and Dana, all she does is smile at him, and he knows that even if he does bring this “bikini” thing up as an issue, he’s already lost the battle. He looks now at Katie, he can still see his baby girl in her.

Katie grabs one of the non-cut-in-half Rohrer Burgers and places it on a bun. John looks at her, but… he thought she didn’t want a full Rohrer Burger. Katie takes a towel and tucks it into the neck of her shirt, and proceeds to top her burger with all the toppings. She licks her lips at the massive burger in her hand and chomps down on it, ketchup, a pickle and lots of mustard spill out of it, and onto the towel protecting her shirt. She giggles. John smiles, there’s that little girl laugh! See, she’s not that close to being a teenager or a grown woman yet!

John takes the cut-in-half Rohrer Burger and places it in his bun, he cut it in half, he should have to eat it. There goes the fun in all the garnishes spilling out of his burger tonight. Quiet, from inside the house, he hears his Boxcar Willie playlist playing. He knew it was only time before Boxcar Willie would grow on Dana. He smiles at her as she takes a big bite into her burger, ketchup oozes out of it and onto the towel she wears.

Suddenly, Will stands up and runs into the house. John, Dana, and Katie look at each other wondering what this is about. In a moment, Boxcar Willie comes to a screeching halt, and then another few moments later Ariana Grande’s “Everyday” starts playing.

Anytime I’m alone, I can’t help thinking about you
All I want, all I need, honestly, it’s just me and you

He giving me that good shit
That make me not quit, that good shit
He giving me that good shit
That make me not quit, that good shit

Oh, he give it to me
Everyday, everyday, everyday

John and Dana share a look. Why is Will listening to a song with the word “shit” in it? At the exact same time, they both turn their heads and look at Katie. She’s suddenly shy about looking up from her burger. She knows that her parents know she listens to Ariana Grande, and was told to not let her brother listen to certain songs with certain cuss words.

Will runs back to join them, a huge (I know I’ve done something bad) grin on his face. He picks up his burger without missing a beat, and successfully ignores the looks his parents have on their faces.

WILL
(playing oblivious)
We need real spring
break music, not old
fart music.

He takes a big bite into his Rohrer Burger, and mustard, pickles, and tomatoes fall all over the front of his Dallas Cowboys T-shirt.

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

INT. BEACH HOUSE – KID’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Since this beach house is only a two-bedroom home, Katie and Will have to share a room. Katie and Will are each in their respective twin size beds. A dim lamp gives little light to the room at night. John sits on the end of Katie’s bed, he’s showered and just about ready for bed himself. But first things first: a history lesson.

DOGGETT
The last known sighting of
the Gray Man Ghost was just
before Hurricane Hugo in
1989. Long before either one
of you were born.

WILL
(hopeful)
Is he an evil ghost?

DOGGETT
Actually, no. In fact, he’s
a helpful ghost.

KATIE
(already getting scared)
I don’t like ghost stories.

DOGGETT
But the Gray Man Ghost appears
to people as a warning that
a hurricane is coming. Legend
has it that whoever sees the Gray
Man will have their home spared
from damage.

WILL
That’s bullshi-

Will stops himself. John looks at his son, knowing full well that he has inherited that Doggett gene of cursing at a young age. John cussed at a young age, as did his brothers, father, grandfather, and very likely his great-grandfather.

WILL
Sorry.

DOGGETT
Bad words don’t look
good on young boys.
(beat) Do it again, and
I’ll do what my mother
did to me.

WILL
What’s that?

DOGGETT
Wash your mouth out
with soap.

Will’s eyes go wide with fear of how absolutely awful that would be.

WILL
So… the ghost… why does
he warn people. Wouldn’t
ghosts want others to die
so that they’re not lonely?

DOGGETT
I suppose he warns people
so they don’t lose loved ones
as he did.

KATIE
(hopeful)
Is this a love story?

Katie has a growing interest in love stories, and romance. John suspects that she might even already have crushes on boys at her school.

DOGGETT
Legend has it that the man
was engaged to a young
woman, and he had been
away from her for several
months, and in his eagerness
he rushed home to her, by
horse, and got caught in
quicksand-

WILL
-AND DIED!

DOGGETT
He did. They say that his
fiancée would walk the beach
where she had walked with
him many times before.

KATIE
How is this a love story
if the boy is dead?

DOGGETT
I’m getting to it.

WILL
They were engaged, Katie.

DOGGETT
It was a windy day, windier
than most, and the waves
were crashing against the shore.

Dana appears in the door behind him, and leans against the frame, listening to the story without interrupting. She loves watching her husband be a father when he doesn’t know she’s there to see it.

DOGGETT
And she saw a man, and she
knew at once that he was
her fiancé. She had no fear
when she approached him.
He told her (deepens his voice)
“leave the islandat once, you
are in danger, leave the island.”
(beat) And then he disappeared
right before her eyes.

KATIE
So their love for each other is
why he was able to appear to her?

DOGGETT
Perhaps… of course other
people have seen him a hundred
years after she did. (beat) Anyway,
she went home and told her parents
what had happened, and knowing
that their daughter wasn’t one to
make up such stories, they packed
and fled the island. (beat) A hurricane
hit Pawleys Island, destroyed most
of the homes… except that of the
girl’s family. It was left undamaged.

John stands up quietly walks over to the window in the kids’ room, he stares out at the ocean. There’s a flash of lightning, followed by a low roll of thunder.

DOGGETT
(trying to be scary)
Who knows… maybe the Gray
Man is wandering the beach
outside right now, looking for
the next family to save.

Dana coughs, signaling to John to stop while he’s ahead. They don’t need Katie and Will scared and unable to sleep tonight.

WILL
(scared)
Can he peek into our window?

KATIE
(scared)
I don’t want to see a ghost.
Not even a good ghost.

John turns around and looks at his kids. They both look truly terrified. He wonders now if this story would have been better told tomorrow morning at breakfast, far from bedtime.

DOGGETT
I wouldn’t worry about
seeing him though. It’s
not hurricane season for
another couple months.

Hoping that this information is enough to ward off any fears his kids may have, John goes and turns off the lamp on the nightstand in between their two beds. He bends down and gives Katie a kiss on the forehead, then over to Will and does the same.

DOGGETT
Now you two get to sleep.
Hopefully the sun will be
out tomorrow and we can
spend some time having
fun in the sun on the beach.
(beat) Goodnight.

KATIE/WILL
Goodnight.

He heads to the door where Dana is waiting for him, arms across her chest, giving him “that” look.

He looks back at their kids, and shuts the door. He wraps his arms around Dana’s waist and they walk to the master bedroom where he takes her in his arms, kisses her, starts undressing her, and they fall down onto the king-sized bed. Ever since they unpacked the car earlier today they’ve wanted to get their hands all over each other. Here’s hoping that the kids will fall asleep quickly, and not come knocking on their bedroom door scared because of their dad’s Gray Man Ghost story.

CUT TO:

LATER THAT NIGHT:

John, Dana, Katie, and Will are all asleep in the same bed in the master bedroom. Outside, lightning flashes and the thunder rolls. Welp! There goes any thoughts of spending some quality time alone, John.

CUT TO:

INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS – BASEMENT OFFICE
WASHINGTON, D.C.
WEDNESDAY, 17 MARCH 2020
ST. PATRICK’S DAY
3:48 P.M.

Well, Mulder and Krycek remembered to go to work today! They had forgotten about work the past few work days, and yes, Assistant Director Walter Skinner had been trying to get ahold of the boys at John and Dana’s, but neither Mulder or Krycek thought that they should answer a phone that isn’t their own. <--- because that’s logical when you’re house-sitting for your friends and they might want to call to touch base with you.

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, and to celebrate Mulder is dressed up like the Lucky Charms leprechaun, he’s wearing a white lucky rabbit’s foot on a chain around his neck (yes, *that* lucky rabbit’s foot, the one that he was gifted from Grandmama Reyes back on Christmas Eve 1985 – he still has it! <--- this explains a lot about the luck he's had throughout the run of FRVS, no?).

Krycek is dressed up as a rainbow, and his pants are a large pot of gold, with rainbow leggings. Krycek’s hunky punk face grins out from a hole in the rainbow costume he’s wearing. He can’t really sit down in this costume either, the Pot O’Gold is too big. Is he compensating for something?!

KRYCEK
(proud)
I AM A RAINBOW PENIS!

Mulder looks up from his computer.

MULDER
Alex… Leyla Harrison is back
on the Goofy Spooky forum
making a thread about the (air quotes)
“Truths About Mulder and Scully’s
Love”… She scares me.

KRYCEK
Ban her.

MULDER
I can’t ban someone for
stating their… weirdness-

KRYCEK
-Creepiness.

Mulder looks back at his computer monitor, he subconsciously sticks his tongue out of the side of his mouth.

MULDER
She posted this yesterday, in
all caps… (reads) Mulder and
Scully are in love, I know it
because that’s what I like about
the MSR, their chemistry. Anyone
who thinks that Scully and
Dogbert have chemistry are
disillusioned. Are they even
watching the same people that I am?

Mulder looks back up at Krycek with big, scared, puppy-dog eyes.

KRYCEK
All caps?

Mulder nods his head, confirming that Leyla Harrison posted what he just read in all CAPS. Krycek makes his way over to Mulder’s desk and looks at the computer, the bottom of the hole his head sticks out of in his rainbow costume covers his mouth, he struggles to pull it back down under his chin. He pulls Mulder’s keyboard towards him and starts typing:

Ms. Harrison,
You’re crazy opinionated creeper talk is unappreciated here on the Goofy Spooky Forum. Please cease to share your creepy opinions about Mulder and Mrs. Dana Katherine (Scully) Doggett on this forum. We’ve been through this before with you. Opinions are opinions. No one opinion is right, and no one opinion is wrong. A personal opinion, or perspective is your personal truth, but a personal truth is not fact. A good example of a fact (in case you do not know) is that John Doggett (not Dogbert) and Dana Scully (now Dana Katherine Doggett) are husband and wife. They are together which means that your hopes and dreams of a romantic relationship between Mulder and Scully will never happen. Please stop harassing my friends here on the Goofy Spooky Forum or I will be forced to remove you from the forum.

Regards,
Alexander Sergeiovich Krycek II Jr, Jr, Jr, Jr.

Krycek clicks on the “send” button and pushes the keyboard back over to Mulder. The forum refreshes and shows the reply Krycek just wrote to Leyla, only… Mulder was logged in so it was posted under Mulder’s username!

You can view this thread by clicking on this link!

MULDER
Wow… you used all four “juniors.”

KRYCEK
I did.

MULDER
And you wrote without
using special characters
like exclamation points,
and number signs.

KRYCEK
I did. I posted like a grown-up.

MULDER
Wow.

KRYCEK
I know.

The boys stare at the computer monitor in awe of Krycek’s sudden onset of maturity regarding Ms. Leyla Harrison. Leyla Harrison, one of the worlds most famous romance authors post-Alien War. Leyla Harrison, famous author of almost fifty “Mulder and Scully Romance” novels. Leyla Harrison, the famous author whose first “Doggett and Reyes Romance” novel was released last week! (shit! Leyla’s taken on another ‘ship that just won’t happen in the world of FRVS!).

KRYCEK
The Rainbow Penis grew!

MULDER
Grew up?

KRYCEK
No, just grew. The Rainbow
Penis got a boner, that’s all.

MULDER
Is this Rainbow Penis thing
a new thing with you  now?

KRYCEK
Hell yeah, it is!
I DA RAINBOW PENIS!

There’s a knock on their office door, Mulder and Krycek (at the exact same time) turn their heads to look at who is there. TERRIFIED, Mulder rolls his office chair backward into the wall underneath his I Want To Believe poster, and TERRIFIED, Krycek hops up in the air with every intention of plopping down into Mulder’s lap, instead he crashes to the floor! There, standing in the doorway, is none other than the famous novelist, Leyla Harrison!

Leyla sneers at Krycek, disapproving of the costume he is wearing.

LEYLA
You look like a
rainbow penis.

Krycek scowls! Leave it to Leyla to ruin things!

KRYCEK
I am NOT a rainbow penis!
How disgusting are you?!

LEYLA
I’m not disgusting,
you’re disgusting.

Leyla lets out a ditzy little squeak, and narrows her eyes at Krycek.

MULDER
Why are you here, Leyla?

Leyla welcomes herself into the basement office and looks around as if she’s looking for someone or something.

LEYLA
Is Scully in today?

MULDER
No.

KRYCEK
She doesn’t work here anymore.

LEYLA
Because she’s pregnant
with hers and Mulder’s
third baby, right?

Mulder’s lower lip quivers. Why? Why does she think these things?!

MULDER
Leyla… Scully and I aren’t-

LEYLA
-SHHHHH! DON’T SAY IT!

Mulder and Krycek share a look, ok, so obviously Leyla knows the truth, but she just doesn’t want to hear it spoken aloud.

LEYLA
You see… I’m struggling with
coming up with new and exciting
ideas for my next novel, and I was
hoping that I could sit and observe
you and Scully in the office for
some MSR inspiration.

Mulder and Krycek share another look: ummmmmm…

LEYLA
My next book is called
Alien Baby Baby Mama.
It’s about Mulder and
Scully domesticated. It
doesn’t even have an
X-File case in it! I’m
super excited about it too
because all my fans have
wanted to see Mulder and
Scully living together in
domestic bliss for years, and
with novel fifty-one I thought
that I would give them what
they want most.

KRYCEK
You  mean all the other fifty
erotic Mulder and Scully
novels weren’t enough to
satisfy their desires?

Krycek’s forehead wrinkles. He’s disgusted that he even knows the content of Leyla Harrison’s “Mulder and Scully Romance” novels. But in the time that Scully was back at work at the FBI, in her office just down the hall, she read through about thirty of those “MSR” Leyla Harrison novels, and laughed and giggled her way through reading all the gory, sexually explicit details of the sex scenes within them. Krycek shudders at the memory. How and why Doggett ever let his wifey read those is beyond his comprehension!

LEYLA
One can never get enough
of Mulder and Scully.

Mulder is sinking low into his office chair, hoping that Leyla doesn’t see him and leaves.

LEYLA
(giggles)
Hashtag, save MSR!

Krycek raises an eyebrow, hmmm…. #saveMSR is it?

KRYCEK
Leyla?

She gives him a dirty look.

LEYLA
What, Ratboy?

KRYCEK
If you believe so strongly
that this MSR you speak
of is so pure and true, why would
you need to hashtag, save MSR it?
(beat) Could it be that deep
down in your little ‘shippy
heart that you know the truth?

LEYLA
No.

Leyla quickly walks away from Krycek, and sits on the side of Mulder’s desk, she looks down at him. His shoulders are where his butt should be sitting. He tries to act as if this is normal, he grins weakly and waves at her.

LEYLA
So… when you and Scully
cuddle at night, does she
like your stubble?

Mulder’s eyes dart every which way, looking for an easy and quick escape route.

LEYLA
If you and Scully were married
and living in an unremarkable
house in the middle of nowhere
Virginia, who would do the chores?

MULDER
Ummm… Maria and I help
each other with chores.

LEYLA
Who’s Maria?

Leyla sounds soooooooooo offended right now!

MULDER
My wife, and mother of
my daughter, Pookalina Shmi.

LEYLA
THAT WHORE! She’s as
bad as the Fowl One!

Behind Leyla, Mulder sees Krycek silently laughing his ass off, and pointing at him! Krycek’s like his BFF, why isn’t he trying to help him get rid of Leyla?! Oh, that’s right,  because he’s being a friend. And what do friends do sometimes but laugh at their friends when they’re in a shitty situation that one outside of said situation might find hilarious. If only Leyla wrote Krycek and Marita romance novels, oh wait! Krycek would love that!

LEYLA
Will Scully be at the pool
party you and Ratboy are
having on Saturday?

MULDER
Ummm…

A loud Skinneresque cough eminates from the doorway. THANK YOU SKINMAN! Mulder pops up straight and tall in his office chair, and looks toward the door and sees Assistant Director Walter Sergei Skinner standing there, looking at Ms. Harrison with disapproval.

Krycek stands there looking at Skinner too, his jaw dropped. Daaayyuuuuuumm! Skinner is looking sexay today! What, with his sexy bald head, his five o’clock shadow, and light green dress shirt underneath his midnight black suit, and dark green tie! Daaayyuuuuummm!!! If Krycek weren’t married to Marita – WAIT! – Krycek isn’t married to Marita anymore. A whopping frown forms on his face.

KRYCEK
(sad, about to cry?)
Marita…

Krycek tries to slump down on the floor to wallow and lurch around in his never-ending despair over his divorce with Marita (which took place in January 2016, over four years ago!) <--- OH! WOE IS ALEX!

SKINNER
So, uh… I get this memo marked
urgent in my email from one
Special Agent Rainbow Penis,
telling me to come to the Doggetts
this Saturday for a very special,
very wet, or very crazy pool party,
and… Agents Mulder and…

Skinner looks at Krycek who is flailing around on the floor in his Rainbow & Pot O’Gold costume.

SKINNER
… Agent Rainbow Penis…
I don’t think the Doggetts
have a pool, so what gives?

Mulder hops up out of his chair and rushes to Skinner’s side.

MULDER
Alex and I dug them a pool.

SKINNER
Dug?

MULDER
Shovels, mud, a  big mess.

SKINNER
I spoke with Dana earlier
this morning. She didn’t
mention having you guys
dig them a pool. (beat) In
fact, she was actually
worried for you two, said
you hadn’t been answering
the phone when they’ve called.

MULDER
Scully tried calling us?

Skinner nods his head. Duh.

SKINNER
She said they’ve been trying
to get a hold of you two for
a few days now. That’s another
reason why I came down to
check up on you guys.

Skinner eyes Leyla Harrison, who is still sitting on Mulder’s desk. She’s taking notes now. Skinner leans toward Mulder, and speaks softly to him.

SKINNER
Why is she here?

MULDER
Dunno. I think she’s trying
to research my (air quotations)
“relationship” with Scully.

Skinner looks at Leyla, she seems to be really, really dedicated to whatever it is that she’s writing right now. Curious, Skinner makes his way over to her, and takes the notepad from her hand. He clears his throat and reads her notes aloud:

SKINNER
Mulder and Scully had survived
the Alien Colonization War.
Though they had been separated
for years, each believing the other
had perished at the laser beams of
the enemy alien beings, they always
found their way back to each other…

Skinner looks up from the notepad, and at Leyla, seriously questioning why she’s legally allowed to write romance novels about real people. Shouldn’t such romance novels be about fictional characters? Leyla snatches her notepad back from Skinner and gives him a scolding look.

LEYLA
SPOILERS! You don’t want
to spoil my next novel, do you?

SKINNER
I don’t read ‘em. (beat)
Leyla… why are you here?

LEYLA
MSR research.

SKINNER
No, I mean why are you
here in the FBI? You’re
no longer an agent.

LEYLA
Mulder and Scully invited-

KRYCEK
Hell no they didn’t!

Krycek stands up, it’s a bit tedious to do since the Pot O’Gold part of his costume is too big for him to move properly from the floor to a standing position.

KRYCEK
It’s time for you to be
leaving now, Ms. Harrison.

Krycek touches her with his fingertips and maneuvers her toward the door. He pushes her out of the office, and just as she turns around to say something to him, Krycek slams the door on her face. He dusts his hands off and makes his way back over to Mulder and Skinner.

KRYCEK
So, Skinman, you comin’
to the pool party on Saturday?

Skinner nods his head. Sure, he’ll go to this pool party, and perhaps snap photos of this new pool the boys apparently installed for John and Dana while they’re out of town, and text them to Dana.

CUT TO:

INT. RENTAL VAN – AFTERNOON
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN HOUSTON AND SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS
SATURDAY, 20 MARCH 2020

After being rained out of their two day stay in Pawleys Island, South Carolina, the Doggetts made their way west into Georgia. The plan, which they stuck to, was to arrive in Savannah in the late afternoon and spend the day showing the kids around the city that their father was born in (even though he never actually lived there, but he prides himself on his birth town, hometown, and current residence, so there was no stopping him).

John got himself into a sticky situation when Katie asked him why his mother came, alone, to Savannah to give birth to him.

John dodged around, as best he could, the story of how his mother caught his father cheating on her (or so she thought he was cheating on her) with Knowle’s mother, Naomi. How his mother overreacted eight and a half months into her pregnancy with John, and ran home to her parents in Georgia.

John tried to explain to Katie and Will that even only one day into staying with her parents she knew that her husband hadn’t cheated on her after all. Only she was too stubborn to admit she was in the wrong so she stayed in Savannah until John was born.

Because John’s older brother, Henry Jr., needed to go to school, his father very well could not up and leave Texas to be with his wife when she gave birth, so she was alone. Well… not alone, her parents were there when John was welcomed into the world.

Dana offered John no assistance in fumbling his way through telling this story to their kids either. Instead, she sat there, in the passenger seat, and covered her mouth to stifle giggles. She could tell by the look on John’s face that he realized that 1) this story really isn’t appropriate for children, and 2) he had no idea how to get out of trying to explain it once he started.

Dana had never seen her husband so flustered before in her life, and she enjoyed every bit of it! She’s not even sure if Katie and Will completely understand that their grandfather did not cheat on their grandmother. She’s not even sure that Will knows what “to cheat on someone” means! Nevertheless, she persisted in being humored at how uncomfortable it made John to have to try to explain extra-marital affairs to his kids.

That’s the “Mulder and Krycek” in her. When you’ve been friends with Mulder and Krycek for as long as she has, some of their strange quirks tend to stick with you. For Dana, that quirk is being humored at someone else’s misery while talking about sexual things.

Anyway, the kids were saddened when they asked if they were finally going to be able to meet their grandparents when they got to McAllen and the Doggett Family Farm. They will never be able to meet their grandparents because they did not survive the Alien War. In fact, it was only in the past year that John found out that his younger brother, Jason, had survived and is still living in San Antonio, working as one of the assistant coaches for the San Antonio Spurs (#GoSpursGo!). <--- shhh, don’t tell Mulder, he’s still really upset about how the Spurs beat the New York Knicks in the 1999 NBA Championships!

They’re on their way to San Antonio now. The plan is to stay with Jason Doggett tonight.

They’re about an hour out from San Antonio, should arrive a little after noon. Jason says he’s going to take them to his favorite Mexican restaurant for lunch, a place with the best tortillas, chips, and queso in town, The Alamo Café. From there they will head downtown and see the Alamo, and check out the Riverwalk, and check out the haunted Menger Hotel on Alamo Plaza (where apparently it is reported that there’s a ghost that likes to pick on red-headed guests). Dana’s glad that she hasn’t yet stopped dying her hair! She had thought about it, but never got around to going her natural color. She wants to be picked on by a ghost!

Tonight, Jason has set them up with good seats at the AT&T Center for tonight’s Spurs game against the Oklahoma City Thunder. Will should really enjoy that, and with any luck they may be able to meet some of the players on the team!

After the game, it’s back to Jason’s place for the night, and tomorrow morning they’ll make the four and a half hour drive south to McAllen, staying at the Doggett Family Farm.

Fact is, no one really knows if the house and barn are still standing. No one has been down to McAllen to check it out, not since before the start of the Alien War in 2006… fourteen years ago.

Dana shakes her head to herself in disbelief. Has she really known John Doggett for twenty years now? She looks at her husband as he sits there driving, completely focused on the road ahead of him. His tan cowboy hat is on, he’s in his favorite navy blue T-shirt, and (she rolls her eyes) is wearing his old cowboy boots (he must have really been missing Texas something fierce!).

She remembers when she first met him, he barely said anything to her, or to anyone else working in the X-Files office at the time for that matter. He was content staying late at the office to read through all the old case files (well, almost all of them, she had stolen the “Tithonus” case file so that Mulder would stop going on about how she might be immortal, she hid it). John would even go out on cases on his own, not consulting with the X-Files agents beforehand.

When she first met John she had been involved with Walter Skinner, sorta kinda engaged-ish, and had a drunken making out incident with Mulder. She wasn’t attracted to John at first, but he won her over with his friendship, and his understanding. Once she really started paying attention to John, that’s when she realized just how attractive he is, both on the inside and out. It honestly didn’t take them long to go out on a first date, to an amusement park. Of course, and as usual, the boys managed to interrupt their first date, but it still was an almost perfect night.

Dana picks up the iPod and finds Bon Jovi’s song “Thank You For Loving Me,” and plays it. This was the song that played the first time they ever slow danced together. Every time she hears it she’s taken back to that first date at the amusement park, and the first time she ever felt John’s arms around her.

It’s hard for me to say the things
I want to say sometimes
There’s no one here buy you and me
And that broken old street light
Lock the doors
We’ll leave the world outside
All I’ve got to give to you
are these five words when I
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn’t see
For parting my lips
When I couldn’t breathe
Thank you for loving me

John takes his eyes off the road and looks over at her, this song brings up the same memories for him too. He reaches out and takes hold of her hand and returns his gaze to the road ahead of them. Dana smiles. Twenty years is a really long time, yet it has flown by in a flash. She hopes that they live another twenty years, and another twenty years after that. They’re only just looking forward to their thirteenth wedding anniversary this June, but she can’t wait until they’re old, wrinkly, and gray and celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They’ll be… good god! They’ll be 87 and 90 years old by then! Holy cow!

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky’s a different blue
Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you’d make believe

That you believed my lies

Of course, John should have known at the time that working the X-Files was unlike any other assignment with the FBI. Heck, back in 2000, Spender and his girlfriend, Agent Bindi Lawson were all over each other in the basement offices! Surely, John knew that one day he’d get caught up in an office romance, right?

The answer to that doesn’t matter, because he wound up getting involved with her, Dana Katherine Scully, his FBI partner. They defied all odds against them, and wound up becoming best friends, lovers, engaged, married, and finally parents (which hadn’t always been a guarantee). So much for John being Mr. By-The-Books, right?

Dana left the FBI last month, only a few months of working with her husband had put their relationship into temporary jeopardy. They had known better, but Mulder was so convincing when he asked them to come back to help re-establish the X-Files Division, that they couldn’t say “no” to him.

She hasn’t decided on what she wants to do yet. For now, she’s content staying at home, taking care of the family, and being able to spend more time with her friends Monica, Marita, Maria, and Shannon. It’s been such a nice change. Maybe once the kids are old enough to take care of themselves she’ll go back to the work force. Maybe she’ll go back to practicing medicine, or maybe she’ll teach at the FBI Academy again, or perhaps something else entirely different than anything she’s done before. As a kid she had a passion for dance, maybe she could start up her own tiny tots dance company. That’s something to think about later down the road though.

She watches her husband as his eyes light up at another Buc-ee's sign! Ten miles to Buc-ee's!

DOGGETT
Hey kids! Ten more miles!

KATIE/WILL
(excited)
BUC-EE'S!

DOGGETT
Just wait until you see
this place. It’s one of the
best stops in Texas.

WILL
I can’t wait to ride on
a roller coaster!

KATIE
And the bumper cars!

Dana’s not exactly positive about this, but she doesn’t think that Buc-ee's is an amusement park. Every time they’ve passed a Buc-ee's sign on the highway, John has over-sold the place. And when the kids assume there are carnival rides, and animals, and other fun things to do, John gets this mischievous look in his eye that tells Dana that he’s highly amused by his kids’ assumptions.

DOGGETT
And the cleanest
bathrooms in Texas!

Dana wrinkles her forehead at this. Ew! How can any public place have the “cleanest” restrooms? As a scientist, and a medical doctor, she knows just how disgusting public restrooms really are. If she had a choice, she would never use them.

KATIE
I hope I can win a stuffed
animal Buc-ee's beaver!

WILL
Me too!

A few minutes later, the kids are bubbly and bouncing in the back of the van as their dad informs them they are almost to Buc-ee's, but that giddiness comes to a halt when the kids look out the window as they pull into the Buc-ee's parking lot and realize that it’s just a large, glorified gas station! There’s a huge, proud, and very amused grin on John’s face, as he pulls up to fill the van’s tank with gas. He puts the car into park, then turns around to look at the kids.

DOGGETT
Here it is, kids. Buc-ee's!

KATIE
(appalled)
It’s a gas station.

WILL
Yeah, dad. A gas station.

The kids are no longer amused, they are annoyed that their dad led them on that Buc-ee's was some sort of amusement park. Of course with all the big highway billboards, and the cute Buc-ee's beaver, it is easy to see how one might mistake Buc-ee's as an amusement park.

 

SCULLY
Ok kids, out of the van.

Katie and Will groan. They’re sick of gas stations, but they get out of the van anyway.

SCULLY
John, fill up the tank.
I’ll take the kids in to
use the restroom.

DOGGETT
We’ll stay here a bit longer
than that, Dana.

SCULLY
(I don’t think so)
We will?

DOGGETT
They’ve got a great Texas
themed gift shop inside.

John smiles. This is like the best day ever!

Like her children, Dana isn’t thrilled that her husband thinks a gas station is a good tourist-y stop on their drive to San Antonio. She’d rather just get to Jason’s place, and then do actual tourist things like visit the Alamo, and take a river boat tour.

DOGGETT
(ecstatic)
I can’t believe Buc-ee's
survived the aliens!

A funny look crosses John’s face.

DOGGETT
It’s still weird when I
say the word aliens, isn’t it?

He looks over to where Dana was, but she’s walking towards the Buc-ee's entrance with the kids. He shakes his head, maybe one of the three will appreciate what Buc-ee's has to offer. He starts filling the tank.

TWO HOURS LATER…

John and Dana exit Buc-ee's! Dana is now wearing a Buc-ee's T-shirt, a cowgirl hat, and cowgirl boots, and is carrying several gift bags from the Buc-ee's gift shop! John is wearing the exact same Buc-ee's T-shirt as his wife, and is also carrying a few gift bags himself! They had a blast at Buc-ee's!

Struggling to keep all the gift bags in her hand, and dangling on her arm, Dana lifts up a bottle of Big Red and sips at it.

DOGGETT
Just wait ‘till we eat
at a Whataburger!

John and Dana share a dorky look, and then at the exact same time:

DOGGETT/SCULLY
WhaaaaaatAbuuuuuurger!

Unamused, Katie and Will share a look, and reluctantly follow their parents back out to where their dad parked the van. They wish they were anywhere but here, even if that meant being back in school for the remainder of their Spring Break.

SCULLY
This was so much fun!
I love Buc-ee's!

DOGGETT
I knew you would!

SCULLY
And now we have all
this cute Texas merchandise
to take down to the farm!
(beat) Oh! I wish your
mother was still alive to
help decorate! She would
love this!

John smiles at her, finally! After all these years knowing him, she’s finally a little bit more Texan, and it’s adorable on her! Maybe he’ll even convince her to sneak out to the barn one night for a little “roll in the hay” after the kids are asleep! Lord knows they need it!

DOGGETT
Didn’t I tell you Buc-ee's was great?!
(beat) Ma’ would love how much
you have embraced Texas pride
in just a short amount of time. (beat)
I wish the kids could have met her and Pa.

WILL
(still disgruntled about Buc-ee's)
It was supposed to be
an amusement park, DAD.
And the restrooms were
not the cleanest I’ve seen.

John and Dana ignore their kids’ comments, they’ve been disgruntled ever since they got here, oh ummm, Dana checks her wristwatch, two hours ago!

SCULLY
Oh shit! John! Jason’s
probably wondering
where we are! We were
supposed to get to his
place an hour ago!

John hands her his cell phone, then goes around to get in the driver’s side.

DOGGETT
Call him and tell him that
we stopped at Buc-ee's.
He’ll understand.

And sure enough, Jason understood! In fact, he complained about how he couldn’t believe that his older brother would go to Buc-ee's without him!

CUT TO:

EXT. DOGGETT HOUSE – LATE EVENING

The pool party is on! Apparently word really spread wide and far that Mulder and Krycek were going to have this pool party! There are more people at the Doggett house than should be legally allowed! But what the hey! The more the merrier, right?

Before we go any further, let it be established that Mulder and Krycek did not actually install a real in-ground pool in the backyard of the Doggetts. Nope, they only dug a really big hole. A really big hole measuring 16 feet by 32 feet to be exactly. Ok, but can we really give the boys credit for measuring out those dimensions and digging a shallow end that’s only four feet deep, that declines into a 12 foot deep end? Are their hearts in the right place, or are they just being stupid?

There are about twenty individuals in the muddy pool now. It is filled to the brim too, muddy water splashing over onto the equally muddy back yard. There is no trace of the once beautiful and immaculate grass and landscaping. The entire back yard is mud. And everyone at this party is dripping with mud as well, and they’re going in and out of the house.

Buddy stands alone on the back porch, watching this chaos unfold. Oh if he had the ability to call up his master and tell him what Mulder and Krycek have done! Oh if only! But he’s a mere dog, and dogs have paws, and paws can’t dial a phone. Why oh why didn’t his master just leave him home alone? Why couldn’t his master trust him, a dog, to take care of the house alone? Why did his master entrust Mulder and Krycek with such a responsibility! Oh why oh why?! Buddy lies down as low as he can to avoid being seen by these party-goers, most of whom he’s never seen before, he attempts to cover his ears with his paws to block out the blaring loud music, “Sexy and I Know It” (LMFAO).

When I walk on by, girls be looking like damn he fly
I pimp to the beat
Walking on the street in my new lafreak, yeah
This is how I roll, animal print pants out control
It’s redfoo with the big afro
It’s like Bruce Lee rock at the club

Girl look at that body
Girl look at that body
Girl look at that body

Mulder and Krycek jump into frame, very close up, mind you, and mouth off the next words:

I work out!

Mulder is wearing his red speedo and is wearing a pair of bright green goggles around his neck, he’s wet, and covered in mud. Krycek is wearing a little white speedo (stuffed with a sock <--- *shakes head* why Alex? Why?!) and has someone’s light blue sarong wrap tied around his neck. They realized hours ago that they couldn’t control this mud pool party, so they shrugged their shoulders and joined in on the fun!

Girl look at that body
Girl look at that body
Girl look at that body

KRYCEK
(yell sings)
I WORK OUT!

When I walk in the spot, this is what I see
Everybody stops and they staring at me
I got passion in my pants
And I ain’t afraid to show it (show it, show it, show it)

I’m sexy and I know it

Mulder and Krycek dance up the stairs of the back porch, and enter inside the house. There’s wet mud all over the kitchen floor, and the refrigerator door is wide open even though no one is currently rummaging through it. The boys dance their way through the kitchen, through the muddy floor of the dining room, and into the living room where a couple topless women are dancing together on the couch, beer cans in their hands (which are spilling all over the place as they dance).

Skinner and Shannon walk up to Mulder and Krycek. Skinner looks like he’s flying high and having the time of his life, and Shannon is unamused. She knows that John and Dana absolutely would not approve of this party, no matter the assurances Mulder and Krycek gave her when she and Skinner arrived a couple hours ago.

SHANNON
(yelling over the music)
Mulder! You have to end
this party! It’s out of hand!

MULDER
(yelling over the music)
It was out of hand hours ago!
We might as well just enjoy
it while it lasts!

KRYCEK
(yelling over the music)
Yeah! It’s too late to stop
now! Stopping this won’t
reverse what’s happened!

SHANNON
You’re going to have to
start cleaning up at some point.

SKINNER
I’m high.

Shannon rolls her eyes. Yes, Skinner sometimes enjoys lighting up a little doobie once in a while to unwind, but tonight he’s not only done that, but he’s been baking his “special brownies” in the kitchen, and speak of the Devil, the baking timer rings in the kitchen. Skinner giggles, and messes up Shannon’s hair and skips into the kitchen to get out this  batch of “special brownies.”

Shannon looks at Mulder and Krycek who are giggling like little schoolgirls at Skinner, she rolls her eyes, and storms off to the kitchen, where Skinner is taking the brownies out of the oven. Shannon puts on an oven mitt and takes the brownies away from Skinner, and dumps them in the trash can.

SHANNON
You are no longer allowed in
the kitchen to bake, because
you, yourself are… baked.

Skinner gives her a really sad frown, but it is gone quickly when he hears PSY’s “Gangnam Style” kick over the speakers, he starts doing that Gangnam Style dance, you know the one, the “horsey” dance was all the rage back in 2012.

Skinner spreads his legs, and bends his knees slightly and starts the “horsey” leg movement and holds his arms out in front of him, crossed at the wrist.

Oppa Gangnam Style
Gangnam Style

Najeneun ttasaroun inganjeogin yeoja
Keopi hanjanui yeoyureul aneun pumgyeok inneun yeoja
Bami omyeon simjangi tteugeowojineun yeoja
Geureon banjeon inneun yeoja

Shannon sighs heavily. Is she the only adult at this party?! Now she knows how Brad Follmer must have felt when he was still alive and kicking and among these idiots. She wishes that Brad were here now, to help her take down this party. Hmmm… take down this party… for a moment there Shannon considers going home to retrieve one of her assault rifles and bringing it back here (unloaded of course) to scare the shit out of the party goers to make them all leave.

There’s a tap on her shoulder, she turns around and it’s Mulder.

MULDER
Are Monica and Knowle here?

SHANNON
No. They had some campaign
event they had to go to.

MULDER
I just think it’s so swell that
we know someone who is
running for President. (beat)
I know it’s early, but are you
going to vote for Knowle?

SHANNON
Probably.

MULDER
Me too, but I also really like
the Democrat candidate, Shane
Vansen. She’s really pretty.
She reminds me of…

Mulder trails off, his thoughts on the woman, Melissa Riedal-Ephesian. Melissa, he believed, was his soul mate. If only she hadn’t killed herself with Kool-Aid… goosebumps crawl up Mulder’s arms and back as he remembers how it felt to walk into the Temple of the Seven Stars, how difficult it was to push open the door because of the dead bodies that had fallen down before it. Mulder shakes his head, he doesn’t want to think of such dark things, he’s at a mud pool party, and Skinner’s high, and climbing up on the kitchen counter top.

Op, op, op, op
Oppa Gangnam Style

Eh, sexy lady
Op, op, op, op
Oppa Gangnam Style

As Skinner tries to crawl on top of Shannon’s shoulders for a piggy back ride we…

CUT TO:

EXT. SAN ANTONIO RIVERWALK – THAT NIGHT
SATURDAY, 20 MARCH 2020
9:19 P.M.

John and Dana stroll, hand-in-hand, down the path of the San Antonio Riverwalk. Though they had been looking forward to going to the Spurs game tonight, Jason surprised them when they got to his place and told them that he could only get four tickets. He had to sit with the team, of course, and he wanted his niece and nephew to see the game, and his son, Jay (now 23 – shit, like we last saw him on FRVS when he was seven years old!), and wife, Chris, offered to go with Katie and Will so that John and Dana could have a little break from the kids, some “alone time.”

Though the Riverwalk is alive with tourists, and people out having a night on the town, it feels peaceful, even quiet (as they pass by a restaurant where a Mariachi band is serenading couples having a late dinner).

DOGGETT
I am so relieved that
Jason took the kids
off our hands tonight.

SCULLY
Me too. (beat) Six
days on the road, and
we fly back in about
a week. (beat) I hope
Mulder and Krycek are
doing all right.

DOGGETT
Didn’t Skinner tell you
that he checked on them
and all was good?

SCULLY
Yeah, but… I know I told
you that the boys have
grown up and can handle
housesitting, but… I can’t
shake the feeling that maybe
they’re up to something.

DOGGETT
They’re always up
to something, Dana.

They continue walking for a few minutes in silence, taking in the beauty of the San Antonio Riverwalk. It’s hard to believe that many of the buildings lining the Riverwalk had been partially destroyed during the Alien War. Even more amazing that the Alamo managed to remain standing, with very little damage. But like a good Doggett, preserver of history, Jason and his family hunkered down in the Alamo during the Alien War, and did their best to defend it. His younger brother even led a group of survivors during the war, much like how (current President) Ray Douglas did in the New York City underground in his Sub Rosa base camp.

SCULLY
You know what bothers me?

DOGGETT
Hmm?

SCULLY
We have time away from the
kids, and from the boys, and
yet that’s all we talk about
when we’re alone.

John laughs.

DOGGETT
That’s called parenthood, Dana.

SCULLY
I know, but… you know?

DOGGETT
They’re our life-

SCULLY
-Katie and Will are.
Not Mulder and Krycek.

John raises an eyebrow. How interesting that Dana actually used a very stern tone of voice while saying that. Typically she just accepts that Mulder and Krycek are their grown-up “little boys.”

DOGGETT
Really? This coming from
someone who answers to
the name “mommy” when
it comes from their mouths.

SCULLY
I’ve known them since we
were all little tikes, John.
(beat) They called me
”mommy” when I was only
seven years old.

John bursts out laughing!

DOGGETT
That explains it all!

Dana lightly punches him on the shoulder, he pretends to be hurt, then kisses her on the top of the head.

DOGGETT
Sorry.

SCULLY
No, it does explain a lot.

She smiles at him, almost laughing herself.

DOGGETT
So… want to see if we can
catch the Haunted Tour?

SCULLY
(excited)
Yes.

Not so discreetly, John and Dana start running towards the stairs closest to them (like they’re racing each other) to get to Alamo Plaza so they can take one of the ghost tours (and this time there will be no ghost story telling to Katie and Will just before bed).

CUT TO:

THE NEXT DAY…

INT. DOGGETT HOUSE – MORNING
SUNDAY, 21 MARCH 2020

It’s only a little after seven in the morning, and the party ended only a few hours ago when Shannon showed up with a huge muthafuckin’ bazooka, and told everyone to go home.

Mulder and Krycek are passed out on the floor in the living room. In the bright shining light of morning we can see even more that the Doggett house is trashed! Mud is dried up all over the walls, the ceiling, on framed paintings and photographs, the furniture… bikini tops and bottoms are hanging from the ceiling fan, empty bottles of beer are scattered all over the house.

The telephone rings.

Krycek’s eyes flutter open (is that green glitter on his eyelids?!), and he stands up and hobbles over to the telephone in the kitchen (because of course John Doggett would still have a landline in the year 2020).

KRYCEK
(groggy)
Hello?

SCULLY
(happy n’ chipper)
Good morning!

SUDDENLY Krycek isn’t so groggy anymore! Holy shit! Mom is calling! He covers the mouthpiece of the phone.

KRYCEK
Mulder! Wake up!

Mulder’s beautiful hazel puppy-dog eyes flutter open, and he grins just the sweetest grin  you ever have seen, and waves at Krycek. He stands up and walks to the kitchen. Still covering the mouthpiece, Krycek mouths off “Scully is on the phone.” Mulder’s eyes go wide too! What if she’s calling to say they’re at the airport in D.C. and are coming home early?!

SCULLY
(on phone)
Sasha? You still there?

KRYCEK
Yes, I’m still here, just
I uh… I woke up Mulder.

SCULLY
John and I have been trying
to call you two all week. (beat)
How is everything going?

KRYCEK
(trying not to freak out)
Things are good. Uh… last
night Mulder and I watched…

Krycek motions to Mulder to go grab a movie from John and Dana’s movie collection. Mulder runs into the living room and grabs the first movie he sees, he runs back to Krycek and shows him the movie, Krycek reads it:

KRYCEK
We watched…

Krycek squints his eyes to read the title aloud:

KRYCEK
The Art of Oral Sex.

Krycek and Mulder’s eyes BUG WIDE OPEN! Holy moly shit-a-roni! Mulder grabbed an educational sex video that apparently John and Dana have in their video collection!

SCULLY
(sounds embarrassed over phone)
Oh umm… yeah… so… really?

Krycek rolls his eyes and Mulder, and the two of them get into a silent slap fight. Mouthing off to the other how stupid it was to grab this particular video! Now mom, errr… Scully thinks they were watching a sex education video about oral sex with each other!

SCULLY
(unsure what to say)
Well, I hope you two umm…
enjoyed the video…

KRYCEK
(giving in)
Yeah, sure, it was very
educational. (beat) So…
you and Johnny boy
going for the oral lovin’?

OH GOD! WHY?! Why did he ask that?!

SCULLY
Ummm… so yeah… John and
I are in McAllen, just wanted
to touch base with you, let you
know we’ll be home in about
nine days. Yeah, umm, that’s
good, nice to talk to you too. Bye.

Scully hangs up on Krycek.

Krycek hangs up the phone, and glares at Mulder. Mulder looks at him sheepishly, he was rushed how was he supposed to know that John and Dana had a sex education video in their home, and dammit! it was just his luck that he grabbed that video over all possible videos in the house, but Krycek could have just said they had watched “Star Wars,” that’s always believable! Sheesh!

They are quiet for a moment, longer than they usually can be when they’re together.

But it ends, and the two of them start laughing, and laughing, and laughing.

KRYCEK
John and Scully watch
sex education videos!

MULDER
Teeheehee! I know!

KRYCEK
I bet that means that Doggett
is still One Position Johnny!

MULDER
Teeheehee! I know!

KRYCEK
We should totally watch this
video instead of clean up
after the party, we have nine
days before they get home,
there’s plenty of time!

MULDER
Teeheehee! We totally should.

Mulder and Krycek head back to the living room and pop the DVD of “The Art of Oral Sex” into the DVD player, they get comfortable on the couch and watch the video together… yeah… umm… let’s get out of here…

CUT TO:

THE NEXT DAY…

EXT. DOGGETT FAMILY FARM HOUSE – DAY
MONDAY, 22 MARCH 2020
MCALLEN, TEXAS

John steps out from inside his childhood home, a farm house in McAllen, Texas. They got here yesterday afternoon, and he was both shocked and saddened by what he saw. The once fertile farmland seems to have been reduced to dust. The soil is dead, and nothing has grown here in years. The farm house is still standing, with minimal damage, that was a relief, but all the windows have been blown out, and the front door is gone.

Even though he’s known that his parents, Liza and Henry, did not survive the Alien War, he had hoped to find their remains somewhere on the land, but did not. He carefully comes down the stairs of the front porch, and walks towards a large tree at the side of the house. This is the tree where for decades his boyhood tree house had been. But it too is gone, and the tree dead. He makes a mental note to make arrangements for someone to come out and help pull it out of the ground.

John picks up a stick from the ground and sits down at the foot of the tree, and starts digging into the ground. He hears footsteps approaching him from behind, and turns his head to look and sees his daughter walking toward him.

KATIE
You’re playing in the dirt?

Katie sits down on the ground next to her dad, and watches as he continues to dig a hole in the ground.

DOGGETT
I buried something here
when I was just a boy.

KATIE
What?

DOGGETT
A diamond in the rough.

Katie raises an eyebrow, she doesn’t know what “in the rough” means. She doesn’t ask. Instead she picks up a stick and helps her dad dig. Within a few minutes, John pulls out a dirty rock. He blows on it to try to clean it off.

KATIE
(doubtful)
Doesn’t look like a diamond
to me. (beat) Why’d you bury it?

DOGGETT
When I was a boy, Aunt Monica’s
grandmother told me that I would
marry your mother, spend the rest
of my life with her. I pretended to
not believe her, but when I found
this rock, I took it to my mom, and
she told me it was a diamond in
the rough. And right then and there
I knew that I wanted to give it to
your mom one day so I called it
Dana’s Diamond.

KATIE
Is it for a ring?

DOGGETT
Yes.

KATIE
It’s too big for a ring.

DOGGETT
I’ll need to get it cut.
(beat) Don’t tell your
mom about it though.
I want to use this to get
her a new ring for our
anniversary, ok?

Katie nods her head. John stands and helps his daughter to her feet. The two of them turn around and see that Dana is standing behind them, it’s obvious by the look on her face that she heard them talking.

DOGGETT
Dana… you weren’t
supposed to hear that.

Dana approaches him, and wraps her arms around him and kisses him.

SCULLY
Johnny… I…

She proceeds to look at the diamond in his hand.

SCULLY
I don’t know what to say.

DOGGETT
I wanted it to be a surprise.

She gives him a look.

SCULLY
It is a surprise!

DOGGETT
I wanted to get you a new ring-

The expression on her face shuts him up right quick. She looks at him, aghast! He couldn’t possibly have forgotten that their wedding rings had belonged to her father, and her biological mother, Katherine!

SCULLY
Our wedding rings were my
mom and dad’s, Johnny.

She’s trying not to be offended, surely John hasn’t suddenly become stupid, right?

DOGGETT
I didn’t say it would be for
a new wedding ring. (beat)
I mean, the original idea was
to use it to make our wedding
rings, but now I just wanted
to give you an anniversary ring.

Dana is touched by this. But she really doesn’t need another ring. She doesn’t wear much jewelry anyway. But how to tell him this…? How to tell him this without getting into an argument about it…?

John is watching her closely, looking for clues as to what is going through her mind. He looks down at the diamond in his hand, and then at Dana, then back at the diamond. In all the years that he’s known Dana he has noticed that she doesn’t wear much jewelry. She usually wears a simple necklace, and her engagement and wedding rings on the same finger. That’s it (except special occasions when she wears an ankle bracelet, which is a turn on for him, and indicates that they’re gonna get lucky).

He should have figured this out before now.

DOGGETT
You don’t need anymore rings.

He nods his head to himself. Dana looks at him, worried she’s hurt his feelings.

SCULLY
If you made me a ring I would-

DOGGETT
-How about this… we get
the diamond cleaned up, and
only part of it cut, and use it
as a decoration piece in the
living room?

Dana’s eyes brighten up at this idea!

SCULLY
Yes! We could place it by
our wedding photo on the
fireplace mantel!

Katie coughs to remind them that she’s standing right here, and she’s a girl, and she likes pretty jewelry.

KATIE
Or… you could make me
tons of diamond jewelries.

Off their looks of “no,” we…

CUT TO:

EXT. PET STORE – DAY
ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA
THRUSDAY, 26 MARCH 2020

Mulder and Krycek are skipping work again today. They’re on a mission. It’s been three days now since they last spoke to Scully, that means they only have a few days to get the Doggett house back spic n’ span! They’ve come to the realization that they might not be able to conceal the fact that they DUG A HUGE HOLE that is FILLED WITH MUDDY WATER in the back yard of John and Dana Doggett! They’ve managed to get most of the house cleaned up. They had to throw away broken dishes, lamps, and buy a new window though. Having that mud pool party was the stupidest thing they could have done. They should have just focused on digging the pool and left it at that… of course they had no plan to actually complete an in-ground pool installation. They called around about pricing to do that, but they sure as hell can’t afford near $12,000.00! They are forced to leave that big, deep hole up to John and Dana to sort out and fix.

So knowing this, they have decided that they need to do something to ease the pain of whatever punishment is coming their way once John (and maybe even Dana) notices the hole in his once immaculate back yard. And what better way to ease an impending punishment than to buy them a new puppy dog!

Mulder and Krycek enter into the pet store and start looking around at all the different puppies. There are Husky puppies, German Shepherd puppies, Rottweiler puppies, Pug puppies, Lab puppies, Beagle puppies, Jack Russel Terrier puppies, Shih Tzu puppies, Yorkshire Terrier puppies, and even Poodle puppies! So many cute little puppies to choose from!

Mulder is drawn to a silly little Jack Russel Terrier puppy that has isolated himself from his brothers and sisters, and is chasing his tail round and round and round. Awww…

Mulder motions to Krycek to come look at this little dude!

KRYCEK
Awwww, and he’s
already chasing tail!
A puppy after my own heart!
(beat) Let’s get him!

Mulder motions to a store employee, who comes over to them, smiling warmly.

EMPLOYEE
Yes?

MULDER
How much for the tail-chasing
Jack Russel pup?

EMPLOYEE
Five-hundred dollars, plus tax.

Mulder’s eyes widen, say whaaaaa?!

MULDER
(disheartened)
Oh. (beat) Thanks anyway.

The employee smiles smugly at Mulder and Krycek and walks away.

KRYCEK
Five-hundred smackers for a pup?!

MULDER
I guess we’ll have to hope
Doggett goes easy on us.

KRYCEK
Unless…

Krycek raises his brow mischievously.

MULDER
Unless what?

KRYCEK
(quieter)
We steal the pup!

Mulder shakes his head “no,” no way are they going to steal a puppy dog! But he watches on without doing anything to stop his friend as Krycek reaches into the box that this little Jack Russell Terrier puppy is in, and lifts him out, tucking him under his arm and making his way out of the store like his feet were on fire!

Once outside he and Mulder start running to where they parked John’s Chevy Silverado truck (because instead of using up their own gas in their car, they figured John wouldn’t mind if they drove his truck, using up his gas).

Once in the truck, the boys place the little white puppy between them, and head back to Falls Church to work on housebreaking this puppy, in five days or less!

CUT TO:

INT. DOGGETT FAMILY FARM HOUSE – THAT NIGHT
THURSDAY, 26 MARCH 2020

Since there is no electricity in the house, the living room is lit by several candles. John and Dana are sitting together on the old couch watching Katie and Will try to figure out how to entertain themselves without electronics. Will, usually an avid TV watcher by night, is crawling around on the floor pretending to stalk his sister like a tiger. Katie is braiding small portions of her long red hair. She’s bored. The candlelight isn’t bright enough to read by, and her iPod lost battery power last night.

KATIE
What did you guys do
for entertainment when
you were our age?

John laughs at his daughter’s innocent question.

DOGGETT
Well, we didn’t have computers
that connected to the internet, and
we didn’t have iPods. (beat) We
had tree houses, and active imaginations.

Will pops up at the side of the couch, startling Dana.

WILL
What do you mean by
active imaginations?

DOGGETT
My friends and I would play
bootcamp, or war-

KATIE
-I don’t like war. (beat)
War isn’t something
to play with.

No doubt Katie is remembering times when she had to help her dad load ammunition during the final stages of the Alien War in 2012. This topic is a sore spot for them both. John hates that it got to the point where it was necessary for him to take his daughter into battle in order to protect her. Katie has struggled with bouts of post-traumatic stress, and nightmares about the war ever since.

John looks at his little girl, and redirects.

DOGGETT
Monica would make us all
play “house” too. I can’t tell
you how many times I played
your Auntie Monica’s husband.

SCULLY
Backyard weddings! Mulder,
Krycek and I held those at
least once every weekend
when we were growing up.

Katie laughs, imagining 1) her dad and Aunt Monica pretending to be married, and 2) at her mom and either Uncles Mulder and Krycek playing her husband.

KATIE
Were there wedding dresses?

DOGGETT
Monica once stole one of
your grandma’s white
dresses, even though it
didn’t fit her.

Katie squeals with laughter.

WILL
When you played war?
Were you the good guy
or the bad guy?

John looks at Katie to read her body language before answering his son’s question. She seems to be ok right now.

DOGGETT
Everyone wound up being
a good guy, while your Aunt
Shannon played the bad guy.
She loved to stalk us in the
corn field. Monica was so
afraid of her.

John laughs remembering the fun times he had growing up on the farm, playing in the corn fields, thinking they were the most badass mother fuckers around at only age nine and ten!

WILL
Did you ever play President?

DOGGETT
Almost every Halloween!

WILL
Aww-right! I want to be
President one day. Can I?

SCULLY
William, you can be anything
you want to be if you work
hard enough to get it.

Will gives his mother the sweetest smile, and crawls up into her lap and hugs her. He rests his head on her shoulder and yawns. Dana looks at John, maybe it’s time to get the kids in bed. John stands up.

DOGGETT
Ok, kids. Time to start
getting ready for bed.

They moan and groan.

DOGGETT
Back in the olden days, before
electricity people went to bed
at sundown, especially on the
farm because the rooster would
crow at four in the morning,
waking everyone up so they
could do their chores.

KATIE
(yawns)
But we’re not in the olden days.
The olden days were back in the
olden days. Like during the Civil
War or back when you and mom
were our age.

She doesn’t argue more than that, and heads up the stairs to the second floor, to the bedroom on the left side of the hallway, the room that used to be her father’s (and her Uncle Jason’s). She’s followed by her dad, and her mom who is carrying Will in her arms.

Within the hour, John peeks into his old bedroom and sees that Katie and Will are fast asleep in his old, rickety, bunk bed. John’s wearing a white T-shirt, and his army green boxer shorts. He walks down the hall towards his parents’ room, where he and Dana have been sleeping.

Dana is already in bed, lying on her side, staring out the open window at the starry night sky. She’s imagining what it would be like to live here. Not that she wants to leave Falls Church, she loves their house in Virginia, and their river cabin in Luray, but there’s something really peaceful out here in farmland, Texas.

She thinks about how many nights her mother-in-law, Liza Doggett, lay right here in this same bed at peace with the world around her, no matter what troubles she had to deal with. Dana closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, if she starts thinking about some of the issues she and John are still working out, she might cry. She knows that leaving the FBI has helped them, they’re not so bitchy with each other anymore, but their marriage is seriously lacking physical intimacy. It’s not that they don’t want to be with each other, they do, it’s just they’ve tried and neither one of them can get into it so they stop. She tries to remember what it feels like to be touched by him, not knowing that he’s standing in the doorway watching her.

John quietly walks over to the bed, but he doesn’t crawl into bed, instead he sits down on the edge of the bed, at her side. He places his hand on her waist. This startles her just slightly, and she rolls onto her back to look at him, he doesn’t move his hand as she moves, and once on her back his hand rests on her abdomen.

DOGGETT
Come with me.

Dana sits up, placing her bare feet on the wooden floor beneath her. John offers his hand to her and helps her out of bed. He smiles at her, she’s wearing his old Marines Tshirt again and white cotton panties. God, how he loves the way she looks in that shirt, and it’s long enough on her to pass as a nightshirt.

John doesn’t let go of her hand as he leads her out of the bedroom and into the hallway, down the narrow stairs, and outside toward the old barn.

They enter the barn, the large barn doors creak as John pulls them open.

DOGGETT
I know we haven’t made a lot
of headway in repairing the
place while we’ve been here.

He leads her over to a pile of hay. Dana raises her eyebrow.

The moonlight shines down on them from the open roof above. Dana sees some kind of antique trunk set up on top of the hay.

DOGGETT
I dug this up out of the ground
here in the barn earlier today.

The top of the pile of hay is at her chest, so John lifts her up so she can sit on it. As he lifts her up, the Marines T-shirt lifts up exposing her stomach, his hands hold her firmly on her bare skin. He climbs up next to her, and opens the trunk. Inside are well-preserved articles of clothing, old money, photographs, even dishware from the RMS Titanic!

SCULLY
John! Oh my god!
What is all this?

DOGGETT
I haven’t taken anything out
of their protective plastic, but
I think I found some Doggett
family artifacts.

John picks up one of the plastic bags that contain old photographs, and blows dirt and dust off of it. There’s a black and white picture of a man, who looks an awful lot like him, his arm around a shorter woman (with a possible resemblance to Dana, the Doggett men do have a type). John opens the plastic bag and removes the photo, and turns it over to read the back:

DOGGETT
Jack and Rose Doggett.
Cherbourg, France.
April 10th, 1912. (beat)
Looks like the Titanic
behind them, doesn’t it?

SCULLY
Jack and Rose?! No way!

She’s tickled that John’s family had a Jack and a Rose who looked to have been aboard the Titanic! Dana picks up a RMS Titanic teacup.

SCULLY
They must have survived the
sinking, and saved this.

John puts the photo back into the plastic bag. He’ll definitely pay extra to get this trunk on the plane with them when they head home in a couple days.

DOGGETT
My dad always talked about
wanting to start a Doggett
Family History Museum. (beat)
That’s why our farm house is
one of the only homes in South
Texas that has a basement.
(beat) Granted that originally my
father intended it to be a nuclear
bomb shelter, but still… Actually,
Dana, my dad built a nuclear bomb
shelter under the farm house.

John was expecting Dana to give him one of those “oh my god, that’s such a Doggett thing to do” looks, but she doesn’t. She sets the teacup back into the trunk and looks at John. He sees in her eyes a look, a seriousness, that he’s never seen in her eyes before.

SCULLY
Johnny… I am one-hundred
percent behind spending as
much money as it takes to get
everything back to how it was
here before the war. (beat) Even
bringing to fruition your father’s
dream of having that family museum.

John smiles. This touches him deeply. He feels tears threaten to sting his eyes. How did he get so lucky? He loves this woman with every ounce of his soul. He’s even more confident that what he brought her out here to discuss will go over well.

DOGGETT
I’m glad to hear you say that.
(beat) I wasn’t sure that you’d
ever take to Texas.

SCULLY
Texas has great winters.

She smiles, feeling the need to lighten the mood. But John wants to keep things serious, he gives her a look that tells her that he has something he wants to say to her. He takes hold of her hands, running his thumbs over her soft knuckles.

DOGGETT
Dana…one day I want us
to live here. Not anytime
soon, not while the kids
are still living under our
roof, but once they’re in
college. (beat) This land,
this barn, the house, all of
it has been in my family
for almost two-hundred years,
since 1836 to be specific.
Growing up, I knew that one
day I wanted to live here.
Grow old here, with my wife.
Just as my parents did.

John looks into Dana’s eyes to read how she’s feeling about this. He’s not sure in the dark, but he thinks he sees her eyes watering up, and he knows that she’s been thinking the same thing.

DOGGETT
When I was just a kid, my ma
told me that maybe one day I’d
protect this land, in a war, just
as my namesake did when the
family refused to betray the Union
during the Civil War. (beat) The
Confederate Army did try to
destroy the house, this land… but
the Doggetts held on, never once
losing ground. (beat) Dana, I want
to honor my parents. I want to
take care of this land, the house…

Dana smiles at him even though her heart breaks for him. She knows that he had been holding onto a little hope that his parents had survived the Alien War, and just hadn’t figured out a way to contact him, but when they got here she saw in him the agony of discovering that his parents had passed. She knows how much this land means to him. He’s very proud of his family’s heritage, as is she.

In a way, she has known in her heart that one day they would find their way back to his family’s home in Texas, to live a more simple life than what they live right now up in Virginia. She sees both hope for the future, and sadness in his eyes. She touches the side of his face, and looks into his eyes. She sees the pain that he’s been concealing since they got here. The pain of losing his parents and not knowing when or how they passed away, and the pain and regret he has that he cannot lay them to rest.

SCULLY
(soft whisper)
Johnny… I’m so sorry…

John nods his head, finally acknowledging the grief and heartache of knowing for certain that his parents didn’t survive, Acknowledging the pain that he’s been feeling since they got here. He takes her into his arms, burying his face into her neck. She feels his warm tears on her skin, and she wraps her arms around him, tears fall from her eyes as too. Henry and Liza were family, they loved her as if she was their own daughter.

John and Dana have been here since Sunday, four days, and he’s avoided talking about his parents, or his older brother, Henry Jr., and she knows that he tends to bottle up his emotions when he’s suffering, and she knew eventually he would need to let it out. Dana runs her hand through his hair, and holds his head against her. She kisses his temple, and they lie down on the haystack, and Dana holds him, wrapping her arms and legs around him, comforting him until they both fall asleep in each other’s arms.
 
CUT TO:

INT. DULLES AIRPORT – EVENING
MONDAY, 30 MARCH 2020
WASHINGTON, D.C.

Monica Rohrer is staring up at the arrival information monitor in the airport. She spots Flight 1861 from Dallas, arriving at gate number 22K. She makes her way down the corridor of the airport, and arrives at the gate just as the Doggetts exit the plane. Katie sees her Aunt Monica first, and waves at her and runs to greet her with a big hug!

MONICA
Katie!

Monica bends down to receive her hug.

MONICA
How was your trip?

KATIE
Soooo boring. But we got
to hear about ghosts, and
drove through New Orleans,
and saw the town daddy was
born, and then there was the
Buc-ee's fiasco-

MONICA
-Buc-ee's?

Monica looks over at John as he approaches her, carrying Will in his arms.

MONICA
(to John)
How long did you make
your kids hang out at Buc-ee's?

SCULLY
Two hours!

MONICA
And why do you sound
like Buc-ee's was a blast?

SCULLY
Because it was.

Dana and Monica greet each other with a kiss on each cheek.

Will reaches out toward Monica from his father’s arms, John hands him off to Monica. They hug. Will leans towards Monica’s ear as if he’s about to whisper a secret to her.

WILL
(whispering)
We caught mommy and
daddy rolling in the hay
this morning.

Monica’s eyes are wide open. She glances at Dana who was close enough to hear her son whisper this to her.

SCULLY
He doesn’t know what
that means, Mon’. Don’t
worry. (beat) John and
I just fell asleep in the barn-

MONICA
-The barn?! (beat) Dana,
I think you spent too
much time in South Texas!

Monica laughs.

DOGGETT
Ok, let’s go get all our
luggage and head home!

SCULLY
I can’t wait to sleep
in my own bed again.

KATIE
Me too.

With Will still in Monica’s arms, the five of them make their way towards the baggage claim. To pick up all the luggage they hauled with them on their two week trip, including the antique trunk of Doggett family artifacts.

It has completely slipped Monica’s mind to warn them of the mud pool that Mulder and Krycek have dug up in their back yard. She’s been so busy running around with her husband, Knowle, as he gets more and more involved in his Presidential campaign. Heck! Even tonight she has some Republican party dinner to go to, where Knowle will try to woo over current sitting politicians, and their financial contributors.

CUT TO:

INT. DOGGETT HOUSE – LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER

Holy crap! The time of their ultimate fate is almost upon them! Mulder and Krycek are standing in the living room looking out the window as Monica’s car pulls up into the driveway.

MULDER
Whatever happens, Alex, I
want you to know that it’s
been a privilege knowing you.

KRYCEK
Likewise, dude.

The boys turn around and look at the house behind them. Wait just a minute! What are they freaking out about? The house looks perfect! Immaculately clean (because they called up their friends in the Homicide Cleanup unit based out of the FBI Academy in Quantico, Virginia.

KRYCEK
I’m so glad that the
Quanti Company could
help us out yesterday.

MULDER
For the millionth time, Alex,
Quantico is a place, not a company.

KRYCEK
Whatevs. I believe
whatever I want, yo.

Mulder rolls his eyes at Krycek just as the front door opens and John, Dana, Katie, Will and Monica enter the house. Mulder raises an eyebrow at the antique-looking trunk that John is carrying into the house. What is this?

SCULLY
Hey boys!

MULDER/KRYCEK
Hi, mom.

DOGGETT
I hear you two enjoyed
watching one of our movies
the other night?

John smirks at Mulder and Krycek, Dana told him all about how the boys told her that they watched their sexual education video. She was mortified, but John just laughed and laughed about it, saying how typical it was of them to want to watch that kind of video together.

MULDER
So yeah… the house is
still in one piece.

John looks around the house, it sure is squeaky clean. Wow! And the past two weeks he was convinced that once they got home he’d have to call up some kind of professional house cleaner to have them come out and clean up the place. Way to go, boys! John smiles at them and moves toward them, but because Mulder and Krycek are scared that they’re going to get into trouble, they both step back away from him, at the exact same time. He manages to give them both a strong pat on the back anyway.

Mulder and Krycek laugh nervously.

KRYCEK
Well, I guess that’s it for
us now then, gotta go back
home to our Maritas.

MULDER
Yeah, you know we haven’t
been home in two weeks so…

John raises his eyebrow and narrows his eyes, trying to figure out why the boys are acting so odd. Dana goes to him and elbows him, smiling proudly.

SCULLY
See, John, I told you
that everything would
be all right.

John keeps his eyes on Mulder and Krycek as they inch suspiciously toward the front door, grinning bigger and bigger the closer they get to the door.

DOGGETT
Mmmmhm.

Buddy and the Jack Russell Terrier run down the stairs and towards John and Dana.

SCULLY
Buddy!

Buddy lets out a growl and a very loud WOOF! and turns his head to glare, as only a dog can glare, at Mulder and Krycek. Buddy is trying to tell Dana about the surprise in the back yard. Instead, Dana notices the cute little Jack Russell Terrier puppy, that is in her face licking her.

SCULLY
(using her puppy voice)
Who are you little guy?

Dana reads the name on the dog bone name tag on the puppy’s collar:

SCULLY
(using her puppy voice)
Daggoo? (beat) Your name
is Daggoo?! Johnny! The
boys got us a new puppy
named Daggoo!

John still has his gaze fixed on Mulder and Krycek. He knows that they’ve done something wrong, it’s just a matter of time before he figures out what they’ve done.

DOGGETT
I’m going to go look
around the house.

With that, John turns and heads toward the kitchen. Uh oh spaghetti-Os he’s going to see the back yard now?! With that, Mulder and Krycek bolt out the front door, running for their lives.

SCULLY
But Johnny! They named
him Daggoo! Like in
Moby Dick! How sweet!

Monica starts heading up the stairs with Katie and Will, helping them carry their things. When SUDDENLY, from the kitchen:

DOGGETT
WHAT THE FUCK?!

Dana stands up, John never uses the F word when the kids are around! She runs to the kitchen and sees John standing at the back door, staring out into – what she thinks is – their beautiful back yard, the back yard that will win them their street’s yard competition next weekend. She looks up at John first, his face is dark, dark red. If he were a cartoon character there would be actual steam coming out of his ears.

SCULLY
John?

He looks down at her, then grabs her by the shoulders and turns her to look out the window. Her jaw drops as she sees that the back yard has no grass, no flowers, no plants, no nothing. All that is left of the back yard is a 16x32 foot hole (still filled with muddy water), and a couple trees!

SCULLY
WHAT THE FUCK?!

Outside Mulder and Krycek are scurrying to get into their car, they hear the WHAT THE FUCK?! exclamations coming from inside the house, and they don’t want to be here when the shock rubs off and the anger needs to be directed at them. Nope, they need to get the heck out of here NOW! Mulder puts the car into reverse and slams his foot on the accelerator, they bump into John’s Chevy Silverado, denting it, and scratching up the paint job as their car screeches into the street. Mulder shifts to drive and floors it out of there. It’s about time that they go into hiding for awhile, don’t you think?

Mister blue sky please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?

Hey you with the pretty face
Welcome to the human race
A celebration, mister blue sky’s up there waitin’
And today is the day we’ve waited for

Oh mister blue sky please tell us why…

And as the blaring music from Mulder and Krycek’s car stereo fades away, we…

FADE OUT:

THE END

 


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