INT. SCULLY/MARITA/REYES APT. – SATURDAY NIGHT
The apartment is well lit, the song “Conga”
by Gloria Estefan is playing at a normal volume level on the stereo.
We pan across the empty living room to the left, passing the kitchen
and dining room areas, we stop on Scully’s bedroom door. It’s open.
Scully walks out of her room, carrying in her
arms several of her own formal (yet sexy) dresses. She’s wearing black
sweatpants and a gray FBI sweatshirt (sleves rolled up). Her hair
is sloppily pulled up in a high ponytail and she’s wearing her glasses.
She shuffles her Pooh Bear slipper feet two doors down and to Monica’s
room. She walks in. We see Monica in a slip sitting on her bed, uncomfortable.
Ok Mon’, I found a few
dresses for you to choose from.
As she shows the dresses to Monica, she
holds them against her body.
Black, thin material, easy to see through. (beat)
White, low v-neck, able to show off cleavage. (beat)
Dark red… silky, sensual, revealing, very sexy-
Dana, I’m not sure I should dress
like this. I just met this guy in the
park this afternoon.
Scully gives her a look.
So? You said he was hot, why
not spice things up a bit?
(taking red dress)
I’m not like you when it comes to men-
-Believe me Mon’, I haven’t
been with as many as people say I have.
Monica slips on the red dress, she looks at
herself in a mirror, a pained expression on her face.
A little short, isn’t it?
Scully looks at her and ponders, her arms
We need to polish up this look.
She scurries out of the room.
INT. UNITED NATIONS – RESTROOM
Seemingly the restroom is empty, but as the
camera moves pass the stall doors, we go above into a stall.
Marita is standing, holding a home pregnancy
test in her hand. Whatever the result, we cannot tell by the blank
expression on her face.
INT. MANNER’S BAR
It’s karoke night, and Mulder and Krycek are
singing “I Got You Babe”. Skinner is sitting at their table, happy
that the boys didn’t drag him up there with them. He nervously glances
at his wrist watch, 8pm. He glances behind his shoulder toward the
bar door. To the side he sees Robert Alfredo coming back with their
drinks. He sets Skinner’s down and takes a seat.
Relax. She’ll get here soon.
Probably had a meeting that
went overtime. You know how
those UN people can be. Do you know
what she wanted to talk to you about?
(beat) Maybe she wants to get back
together with you.
I don’t know. (beat) I worry about her
sometimes. Dana says she hasn’t been
feeling well this past week. I offered to
pick her up tonight, but she ignored me and-
Just then Mulder starts crawling seductively
towards the Skinman. He’s still singing “I Got You Babe”. Alfredo
and Skinner are terrified. Skinner gives Alfredo a look.
INT. DOGGETT’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM
We see that Brad Follmer is over tonight, he’s
sitting on the couch and Buddy is on his lap, starring him in the
eyes without moving. Brad is afraid to move. Buddy doesn’t necessarily
care for him all that much, thanks to Doggett.
In the background we see Doggett. He’s on the
phone pacing back and forth, he looks a little annoyed.
I know Ma, three years. Yes, it’s
much better now. (beat) How many
times do I have to tell ya, Mon’ and
I were never-
We hear Buddy snarl at Brad, Doggett snaps
his fingers and points to the ground. Buddy gets down and now keeps
an eye on Brad from the ground.
Look Ma, I’ve got to go now. (beat)
Yes, I have company over and no, it’s
not a woman. Ma? (beat) Ma? Ma,
November isn’t for another ten months.
(beat) I love you too. Bye.
Doggett hangs up his phone and lets out a heavy
Great getting calls from home, isn’t it?
Cut the crap Mr. Follmer. I know
and you know you don’t want to be here.
Bradley lets up his “friendly” cover and
I can’t believe Monica is trying
to make us get along.
She knows very well we’ve
never liked each other.
-Not since Christmas ’86!
And she knows damn well why.
(beat) You know, I think we should
make her be with us, if she wants
to try to make us get along.
Doggett grabs his leather jacket and heads
to the door, as does Brad.
Come on Buddy! We’re goin’ to Dana’s!
Buddy follows as they exit the house and
get into Doggett’s truck.
Want to stop and get a pizza
before we get there?
Doggett agrees and he pulls out of his driveway.
INT. SCULLY/MARITA/MONICA APT.
In the bathroom, Scully is admiring the “cute”
yet “sexy” hairstyle she’s given Monica, she holds her hands over
Sometimes I really think I’m a genius.
Monica is impressed but not thrilled about
all this. Since she and Robert Alfredo had that ridiculous argument
and split last month, she’s been wanting to find ways to make him
jealous and want to get her back. So suddenly she’s finding Scully’s
advice not so smart. She doesn’t want Robert to think she’s slutty.
Oh well, as long as Scully doesn’t make her smell like a French whore,
she’ll be able to keep herself in check.
So what are you going to do tonight?
Well, since Marita is out tonight with the boys,
and you’re gonna be out for a few hours, more
if you get lucky, I’m planning on watching a few
videos I rented while pigging out on food that I
shouldn’t and if I’m lazy and tired enough, falling
asleep on the couch. I’m gonna have a “guy” night.
“Guy night”? So you won’t be
watching any sappy chick flicks?
Nope. I actually rented some porn.
What? It’s funny to watch actors fake
it. Nevermind the fact I haven’t had any-
She stops herself from continuing, no need
to talk about that.
Well, if you hear me come home, please hit stop.
Monica stands up, just as she does they
hear three knocks on the door. Monica makes her way over to answer
Monica no! If it’s Josh you don’t want to-
Monica opens the door and lets Doggett
and Brad in. However they stand in the doorway staring at her. Brad’s
eyes almost pop out, only after checking her out from head to toe.
Doggett is appauled at what she’s wearing.
Monica! Put some clothes on! (beat)
(looks & realizes it’s a dress) You look like a girl!
That’s because I am a girl, you halfwit!
She lets them in and shuts the door. They
follow Buddy into the living room. Scully has disappeared into her
bedroom. Doggett is carrying three boxes of large pizza. Brad is gawking.
So what brings you two here?
I thought I made you two have
a “guys night out”.
Buddy jumps up on the couch and gets comfy in
his favorite corner.
Nevermind that, why are you playing dress up?
Scully comes into the living room, she
still looks like “shit”… comfy “shit”. She’s holding a bunch of makeup.
Monica… I’ve got some make up
you can use. It’ll highlight your eyes.
Scully sits Monica down on the couch and
starts to apply makeup like Brad and Doggett have never seen before.
Oh and Mon’.. next time, let me
answer the door. If it’s Josh, you’ll
want to make your Grand Entrance
and stun him with your beauty.
Brad and Doggett can’t believe Monica is
allowing herself to get beautified. Doggett gets over it and speaks.
Dana, what are you doing to my Monica?
Doggett wanders into the kitchen to break into
the pizza. He opens up the cheese pizza and smiles. He goes back to
the living room, not using a plate with his pizza. He sits next to
Scully on the couch and watches her with wonder.
I can’t believe she’s letting you do this.
Bradley is still just standing there, waiting
for someone to tell him who Josh is.
She has a date with this guy
she met at the park earlier today.
A park? How many kids does he have?
Who is this punk?
You, Bradley Follmer, you must be getting
over yourself. I’m no longer interested
in you. Infact, I’m completely over you.
You, Bradley, should have figured that
out when I was with Robert.
Doggett leans toward Scully.
And how many times did Mon’
use the word “you”, referring to Mr. Follmer.
Scully laughs and lipstick smears all over
Monica’s chin. There's a knock on the door. Needless to say, Scully
must rush Monica out of the living room to fix her makeup, leaving
Doggett and Brad to let Josh in…
Doggett and Brad approach the door.
(to Doggett as Door opens/immature)
Josh? What is he twelve?
They see Josh (guest star Brad Pitt), he’s
dressed in a suit, his shirt is untucked and sloppy, in a classy kind
of a way. The guys just stand there.
I’m here to pick up Monica.
So… you’re already on
a first-name basis?
(trying to be tough man)
Yeah, what he said.
Josh lets himself in. Buddy runs up to
him. Josh bends down on one knee to pet him.
Hey little guy, whatcha doin’, huh?
Doggett and Brad share a look, how dare a guy
like this come into their lives.
Off screen, we hear Monica “cough” to get their
attention. All three men look over. Monica is standing in her bedroom
doorway, on the advice of Scully, she has her arm above her, resting
on the door frame. She licks her lips at Josh once he makes eye contact
Josh stands up and runs his hand through his
hair, he’s speechless. Monica slowly and seductively walks towards
him, he offers her his arm and she wraps her's around it. In the background
we see Scully come out of the room. She takes one look at Josh and
ducks out. She doesn’t want to be seen by such a hot man dressed as
Monica and Josh pass Doggett and Brad. They
stand there with their jaws dropped open. Monica and Josh exit. The
Brad punches Doggett on his shoulder.
What the hell was that for?
You didn’t stop her.
Brad flops down on the couch. Scully comes out
of her room.
Um… I don’t mean to be rude, but
uh… I was kinda planing on an alone
night. As in no visitors.
Aw… come on Dana, a night without
friends, is like a life not lived-
I said that about Monica once…
And that’s coming from a
man who lives alone…
Doggett is still rubbing his shoulder,
trying to get Scully’s medical attention, not working so far.
That’s not true… I’ve got a dog,
man’s best friend…
Scully gives him a look and sits down on
the couch. Brad is looking at the cases of the videos she rented.
“Inter Office Relations”?
Scully grabs it out of his hand, he picks
up another. Doggett sits down next to Scully.
“Hot and Wild In Africa”?
Agent Scully… did you rent porn?
If you need to relieve anything
sexually, John’s here for you.
Scully’s eyes go wide, jaw drops, and face goes
Brad! Don’t speak to her like that!
Like what? (beat) You two are so obvious.
Oh like you don’t know.
Brad lets out a sigh before he begins to
tell how obvious their feelings for each other are.
That you two have feelings for each other.
Like I said, it’s so obvious.
Why don’t you two just get it over with?
Nine years is long enough, John.
Doggett says nothing.
What about nine years?
Brad looks at Doggett and Doggett glares
No… I don’t think I have the
right to tell you.
That’s not fair. (beat; turns to Doggett)
Nine years? Long enough without what?
Doggett says nothing, and irritatedly cocks
his head to the side, as his ears begin to glow red.
Mind if we watch these with you?
Brad stands up and pops in “Inter Office
Relations”. The video starts. Doggett is still embarrassed about what
was almost mentioned. Scully is still curious, but watches the video.
(after a beat)
So is this guy porn or girl porn?
We hear an attempt at plot dialogue come
from the TV.
Girl porn, those always try to have
some sort of plot before any action begins.
Scully and Brad look at him… Doggett watches
What? I’m a man, all men have
watched porn at some point in their lives.
Off their looks…
INT. MANNER’S BAR
Mulder and Krycek are still singing “I Got You
Babe”… for the 20th time in a row. Mulder has hopped up into Krycek’s
arms and sings, they are wasted. The crowd has started to boo them,
some pretzels and other various snack foods are being thrown at them.
At the Skinner/Alfredo table, we see that Marita
did show up. She and Skinner are having a private conversation. Marita
looks upset and Skinner is trying to comfort her, but she’s not allowing
him to do so. Alfredo sits there, thinking he should be going.
Well guys… I guess I’ll see you later-
Marita starts crying awfully loud and stands
up and runs to the ladies room. Skinner follows, concerned. Alfredo
is alone. He looks at Mulder and Krycek, turns and leaves the bar.
He’s headed to:
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. SCULLY/MARITA/MONICA APT – 20MIN LATER
The door to the apartment flies open. Alfredo
enters without knocking. He has with him some take-out pizza. He’s
scared the crap out of Doggett, Scully and Brad, who continue to watch
the porn. Alfredo stops in his tracks when he sees what’s on TV.
You guys aren’t watching one of those
tapes from Monica’s “Blackmail Box”, are you?
Scully hits STOP on the VCR remote and turns
to face him.
What are you talking about?
We were just uh… watching…
He looks at the TV. Sumo wrestling is on.
Alfredo shuts the door and comes in. He sits
in between Scully and Brad. He opens a pizza box and takes out a slice
of four meat extra cheese with black olives, onions, and anchovies.
He takes a bite.
Why are you here, Agent Alfredo?
Things got boring over at Manners’,
so I thought I’d drop in here.
Monica isn’t here tonight.
Alfredo gets sad, but soon gets over it.
How about Marita?
Scully shakes her head, poor Alfredo, since
they broke up, he’s been showing up at their apartment more often.
Especially when she and Marita are there and Monica is elsewhere…
Monica’s on a date, and Marita is out.
Where is she? Marita I mean.
He stands up and heads back to the door to leave.
INT. APT. HALLWAY – CONT
Scully exits and shuts the door behind her.
Alfredo is leaving.
Robert! You have no clue where she is.
He stops and faces her.
Tell me where she is, Dana.
She’s at a nice French restaurant down town.
But seriously, showing up there would be the
wrong thing to do to get her back.
He looks at her in disbelief. He was talking
about Marita, who’s she talking about?
You see, Mon’ doesn’t really know this Josh guy…
(about to laugh)
-His name is Josh?
Who knows, he may turn out to be a real
creep and when she gets back she’ll see
you here, all grown up and respectful, and
she’ll realize what she’s lost.
Scully pushes him back into the apartment. They
see, when they enter, that Doggett and Brad have started up the porn
Sumo wrestling my ass.
They sit down.
So what’s this called?
“Inter Office Relations”.
(laughs/thinks he’s hitting on her)
Something Miss Scully knows an awful
lot about. (to Scully) Were you the
technical supervisor for this film?
Scully, Doggett and Brad give him a shocked
Why do you insist on picking on her?
You haven’t seen what evidence Mon’
has to support my “technical advisor”
theory. (to Scully) Home videos and
un-published books to name a few…
Scully’s eyes go wide. What in the world
does Monica have on her?
What are you guys doing here anyway?
This was supposed to be my alone night-
-Alone night? What were you
planning on doing by yourself?
Robert Alfredo! Remember what I
said about you looking mature and
respectful? (beat) Well, I could tell
Mon’ just how mean you’re being
to me and-
-Well, if you and a certain someone
who buys lime green condoms want some
“alone time”, I’m sure Brad and I can leave-
-I don’t know why I bought those!
That was months ago, I can’t believe
Monica told you about that! Why, I’m
gonna have to-
John, you’re in the bad place…
-have a talk with her about all this.
You know, she’s always had a big
mouth ever since we were little. She’s
always made sure to find ways to embarrass me-
Mon’ said he likes you, I think his
defensive proves it. Want us to
leave you two alone?
Doggett continues his blabbing.
No, he’s gone to the bad place. Mon’
said he has a hard time letting go
of insignificant things…
Ahh… they sit back and let him rant.
INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT
Monica and Josh are seated at a candle lit table.
Monica is faking her interest in what Josh is talking about.
Then in the eighth grade I was
playing football and won the most
important game all on my own. (laughs)
Boy that was a really sucky team. (beat)
Did I ever tell you about-
-You know what, I’ve got to go
to the little girls room. I’ll be right back.
Monica gets up and heads to the restroom.
Josh sits back and watches her with a perverted grin on his face.
He looks as if he’s got a plan in his head.
Monica is going through one of Scully’s purses
that she let Monica use. She’s looking for her cell phone, she finds
it and dials. Behind her, Josh enters the restroom.
Yeah, Dana, I need you to-
Josh takes the phone out of her hand and
tosses it into a toilet then he holds her close and forces a kiss
upon her. He leans her back onto the counter with a sink, the water
turns on, soaking the back of her dress.
INT. SCULLY/MARITA/MONICA APT. – CONT
Scully is sitting on the couch, holding the
phone to her ear, she hangs up.
Suddenly, the apartment door flies open
and Marita runs right past them bawling her eyes out. She runs into
her room and slams the door shut.
Scully, Alfredo, Doggett and Brad sit there
I wonder if that has anything to do
with her and A.D. Skinner at the bar.
What are you? Mr. Know-It-All?
They glare at each other.
Oh gimme a break. Grow up you two.
Scully stands up to go shut the apartment
door. Just as she does, the door flies open, hitting her in the face.
Skinner storms into the living room, not even realizing what he did
to Scully. She holds her nose and leans against a wall and sits down.
(to the guys)
Did Marita lock herself in her room?
She went in there, not sure if she locked it.
Skinner goes and knocks on the door.
Marita Lynn! Let me in! I’m not
going to let you off just like that.
No! I want you to go away,
I’m upset with you.
Why? All I did was suggest we get married!
All goes quiet. Brad turns off the porn, they
all look at him. Scully comes out of the kitchen, holding paper towel
around her nose, her head is tilted back. All eyes are on Skinner,
and he knows it. After a few beats, Marita opens her door and pulls
Skinner into her bedroom.
Scully returns to the living room.
Is he going through a mid-life crisis?
Proposing to two women all within a year?
Well, how does that make him any worse
than you, and your little “crisis”?
What are you talking about?
Scully takes a seat on his lap (couch is full
and Buddy is asleep in the other chair)
Remember when you proposed to
Monica at the laundromat…?
Doggett thinks back… it doesn’t seem like
I never did that… I have
no reason to. Monica is Monica.
Mr. Doggett always lies, he’s such a weenie.
They all look at him oddly, “weenie”?
Oh… as much as we’d all like
to talk about John’s weenie-
Alfredo snort laughs out a loud laugh. Scully
gives him a look. Doggett’s face is a deep shade of red.
Sorry, you said “John’s weenie”.
Scully stands up, acting like she doesn’t know
what he’s talking about.
No I didn’t…
She walks into the kitchen.
Yes. You did.
No, I didn’t.
Yes, you did, Dana.
No, I didn’t, Robert.
Yes, you did-
Oh my god you two shut up.
We all know what was said.
Just look at Mr. Doggett’s face.
Doggett stands up.
Leave the memory disabled alone!
It’s actually called “retrieval failure”.
Doggett is about to hurt Alfredo, but the apartment
door flies open. It’s Monica. She’s pissed and has lost her… Scully’s
high heel shoes.
Dana! I hate you!
Scully comes out of the kitchen, her nose is
all mucked up.
(points to outfit)
Because of this slut-wear. Josh thought
I’d be an easy screw in the restaurant
restroom. Nevermind the fact that he
threw my cell phone in a toilet, ripped
your dress and soaked it in a sink!
Scully looks sweet and innocent.
Geez, Mon’… If you hadn’t picked up
some stranger in a park, that probably
wouldn’t have happened. (beat) Infact,
Robert is here and I think you two should talk.
Marita’s bedroom door slowly opens. She and
Skinner come out.
Everybody… I have something
important to tell you.
They stand/sit where they are and wait
what she has to say.
Walter and I are going to have a baby.
She smiles at them, they have no reaction,
considering how they saw them acting earlier. Monica is excited.
Oh my god! Congratulations!
Monica hugs her.
Infact, I know for sure I’m
having just one baby.
Monica pulls back. How?
When I did the home pregnancy
test, it said “1”.
Scully lets out a small laugh. Doggett
is looking at her weird.
Marita, honey. The test results are either
positive or negative. A plus or minus. I
think you misread the test in your own Marita way.
What are you sayin’? She’s not pregnant?
Well if it was negative.
I’m so stupid!
She runs to the bathroom and comes out with
the test box. She looks at the directions. Then she looks relieved.
Oh thank heavens. The result is
negative. I can be so silly sometimes.
Off their looks (some holding in laughter and
shaking their heads) and Marita hugging Scully…